Thursday 25 June 2015

Seagoon's Return

Greenslade This is the BBC Home Service.
Grams (clink of coin in enamel mug)
Greenslade Thank you so much. Welcome to the highly esteemed Goon Show. Now, 
tonight’s story, Seagoon’s Return, is a torrid tale of greed, wanton expenditure, shame, humility and, yes, forgiveness, brought to you by your talking-type electric wireless, 
direct from your sideboard, via airwaves provided.
Grams (scene setting-music)
Seagoon What what what what what?
FX (loud knocking at the door, which continues)
Minnie Bannister Heeennnnnrrrryy! Hhhheennnnnrrrryyyyyy! There’s someone 
knocking at the door!
Henry Crun Mnn, mnn, must be the Prime Minister.
Minnie Mnn, Mnn, what did you say?
Crun Mnn, mnn, that must be the Prime Minister knocking at the door.
Minnie I can’t hear you.
Crun It must be all that knock-knock-knocking at the door.
Minnie (pause) Mnn, Mnn, what did you say?
Crun I said it must be all that knocking at the door.
Minnie I can’t hear you. Open the door, and perhaps the knocking will stop.
Crun I can’t hear you. Tell you what, I’ll open the door and perhaps the knocking will stop.
Minnie I can’t hear you because of all that knocking.
FX(much knob rattling, knocking stops, echo-creaking of hinges)
Crun What do you want?
Minnie I want you to stop all that knocking, buddy.
Crun It stopped when I opened the door.
Minnie No, don’t, whatever, you do, open the door.
Crun Why ever not?
Minnie We’ll all be murdered in our beds!
Crun But I’m not in bed, I’m opening the door. They’re not what they used to be – you can’t get the wood, you know. Ah! There seems to be a gentleman standing here, with knuckles red raw. Good evening. Are you the Prime Minister?
Seagoon No, but it’s probably just a matter of time. I have come on an important errand.
Crun Well, it’s at the top of the stairs. Don’t forget to put the lid down afterwards.
Seagoon Thank you, yes, perhaps later. Meanwhile, I have come to take my inheritance.
Bloodnok Now, then, what’s all this noise? Neddie, my boy, what are you doing out there?
Seagoon Knocking at the door.
Minnie Not any more, buddy.
Bloodnok Why were you knocking?
Seagoon Because the door was closed.
Bloodnok This boy’s no fool. And why, pray, were you knocking at this hour?
Seagoon Because earlier I was standing over yonder and I couldn’t reach the door 
from there. Needle nardle noo!
Bloodnok And what do you want?
Seagoon Well, first of all, I’d appreciate it you’d open the door…
Minnie …which we have…
Seagoon …so now, I have come for my inheritance.
Bloodnok Fair enough. What will you do with it?
Seagoon Put it in my handkerchief-type satchel and transport myself away by means 
of this sound effect…
FX (whoosh)
Seagoon … to Dissipation City!
Grams (laughter, piano music, glasses clinking)
Seagoon Listeners, it was rife – I say rife – with jollity and revelry. The men were 
handsome and some of the women were, to my eye, quite remarkable…
Throat Yes mate.
Seagoon …while the gambling and eating and drinking went on well into the night. There were dancing girls, including Sabrina.
Grytpype-Thynnne No, no, it’s just me, with my arms folded. Concentrate on the poker. Now, then, I’ll see your marshmallow trouser press and raise you… a clockwork encyclopedia. Have a gorilla.
Seagoon No thanks, they hurt my throat. I’ll see your encyclopedia and raise you three – yes, three – steam-driven pencils.         
Grytpype-Thynnne H’mm. I’ll raise you this photograph of a five rupee note. 
(aside) What a Charlie…
Seagoon (aside) Haha! Listeners, I’ve got him right where I want him. (aloud, clears throat) Now, I’ll see your photograph and raise you a quarter past three on a damp Tuesday. 
What do you say to that, h’mm?
Grytpype-Thynnne You silly twisted boy. You will never beat me! I have five aces and two jokers.
Seagoon Rats! I’ve only got Kamchatka, Get Out of Jail Free and Mrs Bunn 
the Baker’s Wife. Argh! Penniless!
Grytpype-Thynnne Ace of clubs, hearts, spades and diamonds, plus Knave of Cups 
and the lead piping. I win! And now, something yet more grim.
                      
Max Geldray & Orchestra Pennies from Heaven
                      
Grams (‘back to the story’-type chords)
Seagoon The news was even worse than I could have imagined, folks. It was a national famine. I looked for a job and found one in a pigsty, tending hogs. I was at my lowest ebb, penniless, looking after porkers and all alone in the world, or so I thought.
Eccles (sings) I talk to the trees.
Seagoon The singer was a ragged idiot.
Eccles Hallo shipmate!
Seagoon Have you seen what these pigs are eating?
Eccles Yes, but only when I’m watching.
Seagoon And what do you think?
Eccles I think I talk to the trees.
Seagoon He stood three foot nineteen in his socks, and very nearly half that 
in the dark. What do you think of the food they feed those pigs?
Eccles It’s a disgrace.
Seagoon This boy’s got some spirit!
Eccles It’s a disgrace that they are getting better food than we are.
Seagoon It was undeniable. The pigs had delicious-looking warty pods, mouldy 
offcuts, rotting stalks and woody bits. We were in desperate danger of starvation, but 
only a complete fool would envy those pigs.
Eccles I wish I could eat what those pigs are having. Shut up, Eccles.
Grams (angelic choirs, etc speeded up, slowed down; about 20 seconds)
Seagoon What what what what what what? I could go home and eat all I want and 
work for my father and be a hired man since I’m no longer worthy to be a son. It’s true. 
I’m off!
FX (whoosh)
Eccles Everything’s going to be fine, fine.
Seagoon Except, of course, for this.
                      
Ray Ellington Quartet Mama’s Got One Bloodshot Eye
                      
Grams (‘back to the story’-type chords)
Seagoon Soon I was on the road home. Over this hill, down the track, round the corner, 
past the duckpond and beyond the next fencepost and then I shall be able to see my 
father’s farmhouse. I shall tell him I am no longer worthy to be called a son and ask 
to work as a hired hand. But what’s this? As I live and breathe, it’s my old dad, 
running out from the homestead to meet and greet me.
FX (running footsteps)
Bloodnok My son! Servant, come here.
Bluebottle Enter Bluebottle, waits for applause, as usual, not a sausage.
Bloodnok Servant!
Bluebottle My master, what is thy bidding?
Bloodnok Fetch some shoes and a robe.
Seagoon Boy, those servants ran busily, fetching shoes, a ring and a coat. 
After what seemed like forever, I was finally offered some food.
Bloodnok Kill the fatted calf!
Throat Yes, mate.
Greenslade And so, later, everyone had roast beef and fruit flan and wine and 
there was dancing and laughter and joyful celebrations.
Seagoon But even as I was tucking in to my dinner, I noticed Bluebottle dancing 
and prancing dangerously close to the edge of the duck pond. Suddenly…
FX (splosh)
Little Jim He’s fallen in the water!
Bluebottle You rotten swine, you deaded me!
Bloodnok My son was lost, but is found; he was dead but is alive!
Seagoon What what what what what what?
Grams (Theme music)
Greenslade That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring 
Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet 
and Max Geldray. Script by Jesus of Nazareth, announcer Wallace Greenslade. 
Produced by Luke’s Gospel.

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