Epistolary

written corrrespondance

[Letter]

Certainman Farm, Tuesday

Ray, I am sad that you are choosing to leave. Here’s the money I agreed to give you. Please be aware that this has to be everything now – there will not be any more.

       

Your mother and I (and Stephen) will miss you and hope you find it in your heart to return soon. But meanwhile, be wise, stay out of danger, and keep the faith.

       

Lots of love, Dad

[Postcard]

views overleaf in full colour

Bingoarama; Harbour; Letitia’s; nightclub life

Dear Stephen

I’m glad I have got away. I’ve made lots

of friends and am having a wild time.

The picture shows the casino, the water-        Mr S Certainman

front, one of my favourite bars and the          Certainman Farm

sort of hot totty dancing girls I’m meeting.      Farmfields Road

Dad would be so cross if he knew what I’m               Villageville

spending his money on! Please don’t drop                Homeland

me in it. Hope you’re still enjoying working                     J7 1CF

on the farm. If not, why not come and join me here?

Stay cool, won’t you? 

Your affectionate brother Raymundo

[Memo]

From  The Right Honourable Sir Ingham Taques MP, 

             Chancellor of the Exchequer

To        Cabinet, Foreignland

             Please accept this as formal notice of my decision to 

             resign. There’s no money, no crops, no hope and no  

             point. I’m off.

[Application Form]

Hogs R Us (Foreignland) Ltd

Name  Ray Certainman

Address   No fixed abode

Job Applied For    Hog Husbandry Assistant, 3rd class

Education  General

Experience  A lifetime of farm work in a family business, including calf-rearing and crop administration; some man management

Interests    Formerly: Wine, gambling, excess, wild women, fine dining, hunting. Currently: Food, shelter, acknowledge-ment

[On the reverse of an envelope, sellotaped to the sty door]

Dear Boss, Sorry, had to go. I came to my senses 

and realized my father’s hired men are eating well, 

and I should humble myself, go back to him 

and see if he will employ me as a servant. 

I’m no longer worthy to be called his son.

I shall write again when I have settled 

to tell you an address

where you can send the wages you owe me. 

Yours, Ray Certainman

[Business stationery on kitchen table]

– Certainman Farm Ltd –

Farmfields Road, Villageville, Homeland

                  

    If anyone needs me, I’ll be up

       on the roof, looking out for Ray.

                    Pa

                                         With Compliments

 [Certificate]

Government of Homeland

Department of Agriculture, Fisheries & Food Inspectorate

– Best in Show –

This is to certify that

Bighorn Buttercup XV

(Asturian Mountain breed)

owned and reared by A Certainman

has reached the standard of fattedness

required to qualify for a Red Rosette

                      Daisy Muchudda Chief Examiner, DAFFI

[Invitation]

It’s party time!

As you may know, our beloved son Ray

has recently returned from his adventures out of town,

and in celebration,

we are cordially inviting

you

to attend a party

to officially welcome him home as a son.

Certainman Farm,

Farmfields Road, Villageville

Saturday Luke 15th from 11.24am till late

PBaB&aB  Hot beef & drinks provided    RSVP

If you would like to bring a gift, please select from:

                    Sandals             Woolly hat                 Bow Tie

                   Stallion              Signet Ring           Tunic (size S)

            Sheepskin coat     Jumper (size S)                 Calf

              Milking stool            Sythe            Waitcoat (size S)