Butchery News (incorporating Charcuterie Gazette)

That’s where all THE FLAVOUR IS!

Despite the extensive famine in many of the neighbouring countries, Arnold Certain-man (42), a local farmer, threw a village-wide party, writes our correspondent Ian Vestigative Columnist. It is not clear how this was financed.

Plenty of it

He provided lots of alcohol and dancing girls, as might have been anticipated, and the main feature of the event was the food, with vol-au-vents, cheese & pineapple on sticks, sandwiches and scotch eggs, sponge cakes plus a magnificently decadent and delicious chocolate fountain, with marshmallows and pieces of fruit. There was also plenty to drink, as the wine flowed freely.

Beef

But the prime focus of the jollifications were the various steaks – well done, medium, medium rare, rare and blue options of rump, chump, porter-house, , sirloin, T-bone and the flavourful popes-eye.

There was also goose skirt, legs of beef, shoulders, neck, lots of mince and many other fine cuts of meat made available.

Slaughter

Of course, most of the flavour of beef is in the fat, so the calf in question had been fattened up for slaughter over recent months. ‘It seemed the right moment to make the most of the opportunity,’ said a tired, emotional Mr Certainman.

Argument

Mr Certainman  was  rightly celebrating the unexpected return of his son, Prodigio (19), who had been feared dead. However, it seems that the rumours of his demise had been greatly exaggerated, as the boy was merely staying away from home following an argument with his father.

‘We originally thought he was completely lost, but now he’s found! He was dead but now he’s alive!’ said an excited Mr Certainman, afterwards.

Not Repeated

It was a wonderful party and there is no chance of anything similar for many years.

foreign news

We have received reports of a glut of very poor quality pork (sub-standard swill is being blamed) entering the market. Only a starving man might long to eat such a product.