Record breakers

just like the Guinness Book of Records

Earliest Inheritance

While wealth is usually transferred following probate of the last will and testament of the deceased, P Rod Iggle inherited his share of his father’s wealth a record 42 years 253 days before the death of Albert Certainman, in an extreme act of generosity on the part of the father, and of inconsiderate greed on the part of the son.

Wildest Living

There are many accounts of rapid expenditure of wealth, most of which seem to be backed only by anecdotal evidence. However, none have followed the rags to riches to rags again path more quickly than P Rod Iggle, who gained £31,511,243.15 at 11.24am on March 15th 11ad and was at least penniless (probably in debt) by 2.43am January 5th the following year, a mere 295 days 15 hours and 19 minutes.

Most Extreme Famine

Crop failure happens frequently, sadly, but the famine that followed the Great Crop Failure of 11ad in and around Dissipation City, Foreignland was the most severe of that century, with 300,000 lives lost.

Thinnest Pig

Farmyard pigs sus domestica can achieve weights of up to 220lbs 99.79kg; Hog Starvo III however, weighed in at slightly less than 10lbs 8oz 4.76kg at slaughter.

Least Nutritious Pod

Pea pods vary in size, but the average number of calories in 100g of mange tout is 33kcal 138kJ. Pods discovered on the farmstead Hogs R Us in Foreignland after the Great Crop Failure of 11ad were found to be so diseased and partially rotted that they had a calorific value of just 9kcal 37.6kJ

Most Infrequently Recognised Inspiration

Claims of ‘hearing the voice of God’ have been made though the ages, but none has had such an immediate effect than the ‘coming to his senses’ incident, which changed the direction of the life of P Rod Iggle in 11ad (see Greatest Value of Gifts, below). He left his dead-end job in Foreignland, returned home, was forgiven by his father and welcomed into the family as a son.

Visual Acuity

Human eyesight is normalised at 20/20 vision. The numerator refers to the number of feet between the subject and the chart; the denominator is the distance at which the lines that make up the letters are separated by a visual angle of 1 arc minute, which for the lowest line that is read by an eye with no refractive error (or the errors corrected) is usually 20 feet. USAF flying ace Chuck Yeager had 20/10 eyesight, which explains his dogfighting success; he could see the enemy long before they saw him, giving him an huge tactical advantage.

In history, Albert Certainman (7bc–53ad) is noted to have been able to see his son approaching from a distance of over 9 miles, which suggests record acuity of some 20/6.3 vision, as well as faithfulness, anticipation and confidence.

Greatest value of gifts

While the shoes and coat given to P Rod Iggle were of little monetary value, the gold ring (probably 14ct gold, size T) and kisses were of great worth, representing restoration to sonship. He was initially given £31,511,243.15 as his inheritance. This left an estimated £63,022,486.10 as the value of the reminder of the estate, so being restored to sonship (one third of the remainder) was worth £21,007,495.05, an abundant way to say ‘welcome home’. Total receipts from his father amounted to £52,518738.20.

Most Overweight Calf

The term calf usually refers for a young (less than one year) male animal of the genus Bos primigenius (subfamily Bovinae). Females are usually called heifers until they have given birth. Commonly, these animals can reach some 730lbs 330kg.

Bovine ‘Big Belly’ Brutus, reared by Albert Certainman, reached 850lbs 385.5kg by 11ad, aged 341days, when his short life ended and he was roasted on a spit.

Largest & Longest Celebration

The party thrown by Albert Certainman lasted 23 days and nights, which makes it the longest party ever. It featured a conga involving more than 120,000 people, which also breaks all records.

Raisings from the dead

Several claims have been made, many of which are Biblical. Widow of Zarephath’s son (1 Kings 17:17-24); Shunamite woman’s son (2 Kings 4:20-37); Man thrown into Elisha's tomb (2 Kings 13:21); Widow of Nain’s son (Luke 7:11-16); Jairus’ daughter (Mark 6:35-43); Lazarus (John 11:1-44); ‘many holy people’ raised as Jesus’ died (Matthew 27:51-53); Jesus of Nazareth (Matthew 28:6-9); Tabitha aka Dorcas (Acts 9:36-41); Eutychus (Acts 20:7-12).

There is, however, one biblical claim of resurrection that should be taken figuratively, and not literally as in the rest of these cases. That is the incident here with the lost son, who was indeed lost and then found, but was not actually physically dead and raised bodily to life again.

It was as if he was dead, and as if he had been raised, which is why his father declared this at the celebration party. Let no-one be deceived.