Musical theatre

‘I’m on my Way [1] Tonight [2], Dad,’ said Jud, whose musically sensitive feline companions, known inexplicably as The Ti, sat on his lap.

‘Where will you go?’

‘Oh, Somewhere [3]…it’s a place I’ve dreamed about, and frankly, Any Dream will Do [4].’

‘Well, I’ve sold all of My Favourite Things [5] to raise cash; I’ve given you everything I can afford. If I were a Rich Man [6], I would have more to offer.’

‘I understand. How much is it?’

‘Sixteen, going on seventeen [7] thousand shekels.’

Jud left the farm, determined to forget about the dull life he led on the farm. ‘I’m going to Wash that Man Right out of my Hair [8],’ he decided.

He arrived in Kansas City [9] and started to spend.

‘It’s a Fine Life [10],’ he thought to himself. Soon he met some dancers (There is Nothing Like a Dame [11]) and took them for dinner and a show. Boat [12]ing adventures on the lake followed, and each girl thought ‘Oh, What a Beautiful Morning [13], We’re in the Money [14], I Feel Pretty [15], and he’s ranked our Hair[16]styles: the Essex with the bob in third place, the Oxford with the ponytail second, and The Surrey With the Fringe on Top [17].’

Every day they partied (Hallo, Young Lovers [18]) until Sunrise; Sunset [19] brought more romantic encounters. One woman thought I Don’t Know How to Love Him [20], but soon enough, she got the hang of it.

Eventually the money ran out and a famine struck the land (the sun shone brightly right there, but The Rain? In Spain [21]). The man at the Box Office asked ‘Who Will Buy [22] tickets here anymore? There’s no Business, like. Show? Business [23] is closed, old son. This is the Hour [24] for poverty; I doubt the casino owners will Be Back Soon [25], as they are going to Close Every Door [26].’

Jud took a job on a pig farm, envying the animals as they rootled about among rotting pods, making snorting noises such as snort, snuffle and Hukana Mutata [27].

Eventually, he came to his senses. ‘What’s Going On Here [28]?’ he asked himself. ‘Just You Wait [29] until I eat the pig-pods… but then when I search my Memory [30] I have to consider What I Did for Love [31] of selfishness. Tomorrow [32], boy, you must return to the farm (even if you have to Climb Every Mountain [33]), and tell him you’ll Consider Yourself [34] no longer worthy to be called a son, saying to him God will be with you, boy, You’ll Never Walk Alone [35]. And With a Little Bit o’Luck [36], I’ll get a job on the farm.’

He made his way home: hill, thinking about the way he wasted the money; forest, considering the conversation he would to have with his Old Man; River [37] planning to beg if necessary. He saw bluebells, daffodils and Eidelweiss [38] on the way, and decided to Whistle a Happy Tune [39]. For the last part of the journey, he sat on a single decker bus.

Meanwhile, his father kept watch for him. ‘As Long As He Needs Me [40],’ the father thought, ‘I’ll keep hoping God will Bring Him Home [41].’ Suddenly, while the boy was still a long way off, the father spotted the bus. 

‘Something’s Coming [42]… Look, There’s a Coach Comin’ In [43]! This is really Something! Wonderful [44]’

His father ran to greet Jud with lots of Happy Talk [45].

‘I’d Do Anything [46]…’ the boy started.

‘Can You Feel the Love Tonight [47]?’ his father asked. ‘We’re now standing On the Street Where You Live [48]!’ He gave him a coat and some shoes, plus an eternity ring, representing The Circle of Life [49].

The Farmer and the Cowman [50] had a chat, and the cow was slaughtered and roasted. ‘Yes, let’s eat the coW! Here is Love[51]ly roast beef for everyone; I Have Dreamed [52] that Some Enchanted Evening [53] my son would return! Let there be Food Glorious Food [54], and Shall We Dance [55]?

‘Play, minstrels – let there be The Sound of Music [56] – the Music of the Night [57]! Let there be jugglers, trapeze artists (Defying Gravity [58]) and dancing ponies: Oh, What a Circus [59]! Yes, and Send In the Clowns [60]. Let the Oom Pah Pah [61] band play broken chords until The Ti meW. Arp [62]eggios will make it so!’

‘I thought to myself Poor Jud is Dead [63]; but Hosanna [64]! Oh yes, I’m a Believer [65]. I Got Life [66]! I Know Him So Well [67]! I Could Have Danced All Night [68], as we’re Born to Boogie [69]! That’ll teach One of Us [70] to Always look on the Bright Side of Life [71]. But stay out of doors in full sight otherwise the rest of the village won’t know we’re still celebrating – People Will Say We’re in, Love [72]! Don’t stop me now [73]!

[1] I’m on my Way Paint Your Wagon 1969 [2] Tonight West Side Story 1957

[3] Somewhere West Side Story [4] Any Dream will Do Joseph and his Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat 1973

[5] My Favourite Things The Sound of Music 1959 [6] If I were a Rich Man Fiddler on the Roof 1964

[7] Sixteen, going on seventeen The Sound of Music 1959

[8] I’m going to Wash that Man Right out of my Hair South Pacific 1949

[9] Kansas City Oklahoma! 1943

[10] It’s a Fine Life Oliver! 1960 [11] There is Nothing Like a Dame South Pacific [12] Show Boat Show Boat 1927 [13] Oh, What a Beautiful Morning Oklahoma! [14] We’re in the Money 42nd Street 1980 [14] I Feel Pretty West Side Story [16] Hair Hair 1967 [17] The Surrey With the Fringe on Top Oklahoma!

[18] Hallo, Young Lovers The King & I 1951 [19] Sunrise Sunset Fiddler on the Roof [20] I Don’t Know How to Love Him Jesus Christ Superstar 1971

[21] The Rain In Spain My Fair Lady 1956 [22] Who Will Buy? Oliver! [23] There’s no Business like Show Business Annie Get Your Gun 1946 [24] This is the Hour Miss Saigon 1989 [25] Be Back Soon Oliver! [26] Close Every Door Joseph and his Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat

[27] Hukana Mutata The Lion King 1997

[28] What’s Going On Here? Paint Your Wagon [29] Just You Wait My Fair Lady [30] Memory Cats 1981 [31] What I Did for Love A Chorus Line 1975 [32] Tomorrow Annie 1977 [33] Climb Ev’ry Mountain The Sound of Music [34] Consider Yourself Oliver! [35] You’ll Never Walk Alone Carousel 1945 [36] With a Little Bit o’Luck My Fair Lady

[37] Old Man River Show Boat [38] Eidelweiss The Sound of Music [39] Whistle a Happy Tune The King & I

[40] As Long As He Needs Me Oliver! [41] Bring Him Home Les Miserables 1980

[42] Something’s Coming West Side Story [43] There’s a Coach Comin’ In Paint Your Wagon [44] Something Wonderful The King & I

[45] Happy Talk South Pacific

[46] I’d Do Anything Oliver!

[47] Can You Feel the Love Tonight? The Lion King [48] On the Street Where You Live My Fair Lady [49] The Circle of Life The Lion King

[50] The Farmer and the Cowman Oklahoma [51] Where is Love? Oliver! [52] I Have Dreamed The King & I [53] Some Enchanted Evening South Pacific [54] Food Glorious Food Oliver! [55] Shall We Dance? The King & I

[56] The Sound of Music The Sound of Music [57] Music of the Night Phantom of the Opera 1976 [58] Defying Gravity Wicked 2003 [59] Oh, What a Circus Evita 1978 [60] Send In the Clowns A Little Night Music 1973 [61] Oom Pah Pah Oliver! [62] The Time Warp Rocky Horror Show 1973

[63] Poor Jud is Dead Oklahoma [64] Hosanna Jesus Christ Superstar [65] I’m a Believer Shrek 2008 [66] I Got Life Hair [67] I Know Him So Well Chess 1986 [68] I Could Have Danced All Night My Fair Lady [69] Born to Boogie Billy Elliot 2005 [6] One of Us Mamma Mia 1999 [71] Always Look on the Bright Side of Life Spamalot 2005 [72] People Will Say We’re in Love Oklahoma [73] Don’t Stop Me Now We Will Rock You 2002