John demanded ‘Grant [1] me my inheritance. HelP, ol’ k[2]insman mine!’ His father replied ‘John, son[3,4], that’s not in the least bit cool. I’d ge[5]nerally say no, but in this case, I’ll let you have it all.’
He wanted an adventure, like those written by Swift, Cervantes or Buchan. An[16]d so he wasted the money on gambling, booze and wildness; placing a bet, rum an[7]d many women; two of the girls are a gan[8]gster’s molls. He spent until all was gone. What did he have left? Nix.
On[9] the next day, money was gone; he was what the cockneys call borasic lint. On[10]tologically, he had been prodigal. Famine struck.
Finding any work was hard. Ing[11]loriously, he took a job tending pigs. He envied the pods they were eating. He longed to fill more[12] of his insides with them. But the light of God’s wisdom shone upon him and pierce[13]d his dark heart. He wrote an explanatory note: I no longer want this job. Am a[14]ppalled at myself. I’m returning home, where even the hired men have enough to eat.
He set off, got a hitch from a chap with a donkey cart er[15]stwhile, and latterly from an ox cart. Aft[16]er that he walked, through the ford[17], past the bush[18], (at the most basic level) and[19] beyond Hangar field[20].
While he was still a long way off, his father (heart hur[21]ting until then) saw him and ran to greet him. ‘I saw someone I love (guess who?) over[22] the bridge!’ he cried. ‘You probably feared I wouldn’t give you jack, son[23]. Here’s an engraved ring – look, it says my lost son (dash) found! The dash here is en – how er[24]roneous! It should be an em dash. We’ll replace your dirty coat with a new one – no way I’ll allow washing to n[25]eed to be done. Give assent, all of you, to my returning son! Banish ‘no’, let’s be generous with ‘ayes’[26]! Kill and roast the calf, and we can also have salmon roe[27], terradactyl (er[28]ror?) washed down with adam’s[29] ale; accompanied by chicken saTay. Lor[30]d bless our dinner! Roast calf this p.m., and leg of kangaroos, eve. L t[31,32]o the A to the T to the ER. Come, play your mandolin, Col. N[33]ugent! Lost your sheet music? I thought we had a MS[34] here earlier..? Fetch my teddy[32again]!’
He wrote the notes for his speech in txt language: sn ws ded, his life ws ova NB u r en[35]jyng dnr ok? ‘Reports of your death drove us mad. I, son[36], almost lost it. Yes, it did disturb us. H[37]owever, you are alive! My brother Vernon was sure you were dead, but now I can declare your Uncle V: élan d[38]enyer. And your brother Wilson[39], understands now. D’ye ken, Ned? Y[40]es!’
(slightly desperate final papagraph): In addition to his sons, the father had two nephews: Harrison[41,42] and Jefferson[43]. These made up his clan, his tribe, his Mc Kin. Le y[44]uppie son had to humble himself.
(Doubted I’d be able to include all of the Presidents, did you? O ye of little faith!)
NB Grover Cleveland (reasonably tough to include once) appears twice, as his two terms were separated by Benjamin Harrison’s term in office.
[mentioned] name party allegiance period in office presidential number
1 Ulysses S Grant Republican 1869-1877 18
2 James K Polk Democratic 1845-1849 11
3 Lyndon B Johnson Democratic 1963-1969 36
4 Andrew Johnson Democratic, later National Union, then independent
1865-1869 17
1865-1869 17
5 Calvin Coolidge Republican 1923-1929 30
6 James Buchanan Democratic 1857-1861 15
7 Harry S Truman Democratic 1945-1953 33
8 Ronald W Reagan Republican 1981-1989 40
9 Richard M Nixon Republican 1969-1974 37
10 William J Clinton Democratic 1993-2001 42
11 Warren G Harding Republican 1921-1923 29
12 Millard Fillmore Whig 1850-1853 13
13 Franklin Pierce Democratic 1853-1857 14
14 Barack H Obama Democratic 2009- 44
15 James E Carter Jr Democratic 1977-1981 39
16 William H Taft Republican 1909-1913 27
17 Gerald R Ford Republican 1974-1977 38
18 George H Bush Republican 1989-1993 41
19 Grover Cleveland Democratic 1885-1889 22
20 James A Garfield Republican 1881 20
21 Chester A Arthur Republican 1881-1885 21
22 Herbert C Hoover Republican 1929-1933 31
23 Andrew Jackson Democratic 1829-1837 7
24 Dwight D Eisenhower Republican 1953-1961 34
25 George Washington independent 1789-1797 1
26 Rutherford B Hayes Republican 1877-1881 19
27 James Monroe Democratic Republican 1817-1825 5
28 John Tyler Whig 1841-1845 10
29 John Q Adams Democratic Republican, later National Republican 1825-1829 6
30 Zachary Taylor Whig 1849-1850 12
31 Franklin D Roosevelt Democratic 1933-1945 32
32 Theodore Roosevelt Republican 1901-1909 26
33 Abraham Lincoln Republican 1861-1865 16
34 John Adams Federalist 1797-1801 2
35 Martin Van Buren Democratic 1837-1841 8
36 James Madison Democratic Republican 1809-1817 4
37 George W Bush Republican 2001-2009 43
38 Grover Cleveland (2nd term) Democratic 1893-1897 24
39 Woodrow Wilson Democratic 1913-1921 28
40 John F Kennedy Democratic 1961-1963 35
41 Benjamin Harrison Republican 1889-1893 23
42 William H Harrison Whig 1841 9
43 Thomas Jefferson Democratic Republican 1801-1809 3
44 William McKinley Republican 1897-1901 25
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