The nightmare song

homage to Gilbert & Sullivan’s masterpiece of patter from Iolanthe, which begins When you’re lying awake with a dreadful headache…

When that son calls for cash and means lots of Dad’s stash

He’s just pulling the rug out from under him;

But he cannot say ‘no’ – let the lad freely go –

Still he feels he intended to plunder him.

So he set off next day (went a long way away)

An iniquitous place that’s of ill-repute;

Where he gambled and drank and behaved quite Left Bank

But kept dipping his hand in the bag of loot;

He decided to choose to consume lots more booze

And behaved with a lack of sobriety;

And befriended showgirls (some with ringlets and curls)

Yes! I fear, with untamed impropriety.

Pretty soon trouble hit, when he had to admit

That the cash was all gone and he’s out of luck;

Thus his newly-found mates saw he’s in dire straits

So they all ran away. And then famine struck!

‘Now I’ll have to apply for a job or I’ll die

I don’t care – take an unpleasant gig or three…’

Though the thought put him off, he sat down by a trough

And watched food being slopped in a piggery.

Then his hunger grew strong and he started to long

To eat mouldy old scraps to ease tummy pain;

This thought gave him a fright, then his mind saw the light

And he started think about home again.

‘My old dad feeds his men breakfast, lunch and again

And they rest in his house when the day is done;

So I’ll see if I can / be a humble young man

And work for him – not worthy to be a son.’

So he stood up right soon. Yes! the same afternoon

And went walking home for a week and a day;

But his dad saw his son and he started to run

While the boy was still quite a long way away.

He arrived in a sweat and forgave him his debt

And preceded to give him gifts with a laugh:

‘Here’s a ring and some shoes and a coat you can use

And we’ll party – let’s all eat roast fatted calf!’

So he threw a great feast with the meat of that beast

And invited the folks to eat steak and egg yolks

And fois gras and gateaux, caviar? I don’t know!

And drank mead and red wine ‘bout a glass at a time

And tried cheese and brown bread or with crackers instead.

And a bunch of green grapes. Party games, jolly japes

And the father announced, tearfully, quite pronounced

‘Let us celebrate now he’s restoréd.

Now the thought that had crossed my mind was that he’s lost

But he’s not, I’m astound… Yes, my joy’s quite profound –

I so feared that he really was quite dead!