Muddles

to be… or not to be Luke 15, unless I’m very much mistaken

Dialogue from Hamlet, Prince of Denmark [1] The boy said to his father ‘To be or not to be; that is the question.’ So his father gave him the cash, and the boy went to Dissipation City. He lived wildly, spending with abandon – eating, drinking, gambling – and on a range of entertainments and so-called friends. Soon the cash ran out, and at the same time a famine struck the land.

The boy took a job in a sty and found himself longing to eat the pods the pigs were given. He came to his senses. ‘Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them?’

So he went home. But while he was still a long way off, his father ran to greet him, with kisses and gifts of shoes, a coat and a ring. The fatted calf is slaughtered. ‘To die, to sleep; no more! and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd.’

Synopsis from Hamlet, Prince of Denmark Hamlet sees his father’s ghost. ‘Give me my inheritance.’ So Hamlet agrees to avenge his father’s murder, but feigns insanity with his girlfriend Ophelia, who is then instructed to trick the prince as Claudius and Polonius listen in.

Hamlet tries to determine Claudius’ guilt by means of a play, and longs to kill him. He is summoned by Gurtrude, but stabs Polonius through the arras and then sees the ghost again. He appears to have lost his senses. ‘My father’s hired men eat well every day. I shall arise and go to my father and say Make me one of your hired men – I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

So he was sent away. Yet with murder in mind, he returns home. Ophelia drowns, and her brother Laertes seeks revenge on Hamlet. Servants are told to bring swords and poisons purchased from a mountebank.

Hamlet and Laertes fight in Ophelia’s grave. Then they duel with swords, during which Gurtrude, Claudius, Laertes and Hamlet all die.

‘For this my son was dead, but is alive; he was lost and is found.’

Coin/Sheep/Son The father lost ninty-nine of his coins, since his calf was no longer worthy to be called a shoe or a coat. He took them to Dissipation City and spent all except one on wild living. When famine struck, he ran a lamp and sensed his joy but there were no sweeps to be found, even in the open country of heaven.

He took a job tending friends and neighbours’ pigs, and wantonly longed to put one on his shoulders and go home. He came to his senses. ‘Do not my men’s hired father have plenty of brooms? I will arise and rejoice that I have illumined the house.’

While he was still a long way off, his sheep searched carefully and ran with friends and neighbours to rejoice. He gave one righteous person a pair of calves, angel-shoes, a ring, a coin for wild living and killed ninety-nine fatted sandals.

‘Friends and shepherds, rejoice with me and the angels over this sinner who has repented of being lost and dead but is found and alive and coined and lamped and shouldering.’

[1] a characteristic of Oulipo constraints was to crow-bar this speech into various forms

Typefaces

including additional typographical terms

Albert used to have a big farm. Dominic’s request was bold, and he made it while having his supper.

‘Case in point; give me my inheritance.’ Father, looking in the book, managed to find some liquid assets and gave them to him.

What did this lad leave? A farm was abandoned by the prodigal; leys were also among the countryside items he abandoned. He went to Dissipation City, where the buildings were ornate, if not a little goudy (old style), or what some might call chic. A godly temple had corinthian capitals.

Friends such as Lucida Bright, Aldus, Clare ‘n’ Don and Korinna joined him for a weekend of fish and chips, mushy peas and vinegar; a Monday of cake and a Tuesday-Friday of fine steak, seafood and caviar. He asked one of the rather immoral girls ‘Tulip, I can’t recall if you are the sort that prefers polished floorboards or carpeting.’

The bembo replied ‘Neither, I’m the Lino type.’

There was also a ritual associated with honouring  chancery furniture. Mary asked ‘Can you tyre-change in a hurry?’ Said Sam ‘Er, I can Ty…’ Pew rite respectful, clearly.

Dominic was planning to get himself a Souvenir but then his cash ran out and a famine struck.

He took a job tending pigs in an ill-maintained sty. ‘This place could do with redecorating – someone should take care of it. A lick of paint would work wonders.’

Such was his terrible starvation, he went down with kwashiorkor in nasty doses. The pigs ate pods that were mouldy and some other forms of plant (in various states of decompositing). He could not have felt lower. Caseous[1] smells were not pleasant.

The realisation that he was envying the pigs came with considerable impact – it was news. ‘Go, thickhead, and ask for a job!’ he told himself. His hunger had been leading him into temptation.

He got up, determined to give his father a surprise. It’ll be magic, as long as I’m humble, he thought. He practiced his script. ‘Don’t know how to address you formally, Pa. Latin? Oh, that’s ridiculous, and reflective of olden times. New romans don’t use that! Perhaps I should send a letter, but I have no courier. I’m no longer worthy to be called a son.’

Meanwhile, the boy’s father stood on the high part of the house, watching, dressed, in his wisdom, casually. He knew he shouldn’t be continually hoping for his boy to return. ‘The conclusion that is logical is to accept he’s dead…’ His feelings were gloomy (yet then he saw the lad coming through the mist), rallied and rose towards glee.

‘My boy, you’re a star! I always hoped you would return. I wanted to send you to study and had made a list: a) the Conservatoire de Paris (you could learn verbs like etre); b) UCH, etc!’

He presented symbols of welcome: a coat, some shoes, and a ring with an inscription.

‘Oh Dad, thanks for the rock. Well, I could eat a horse…’

‘We could roast the calf! And eat lots of things… soybean cake? No, let’s go for something rare and avian… I think it would be rude to bulk it out with tofu. Turacu might be less politically correct…’

His father sat in the marquee, keen to test the speaker system, and equally eager to send correctly-addressed invitations some invitations. ‘Right… Jeremy, RM, Susan, JKP Bullion, Fran… KL Ingot… H… I cannot remember, son, so tell me Ingrid Smith’s full initials, through the intercom.’ ‘I.C.S.’ answered Dom, casually. ‘I always thought one of her middle names was Brenda, so I was in danger of including B at some stage…’

‘Let’s get a barrel of beer. We can pay the Cooper. Black olives, and a big tuna - and don’t forget to remove the bones, fins and gills!’ Answers came in the affirmative, so the fish dish was sure to be perfect. ‘We’ll have peaches with condensed milk, a chocolate fountain, toast with marmalade (I prefer Old English) and perhaps a little game bird – although I have always been pro-grouse and somewhat anti-quail…’

‘Ladies and gentlemen: I’d even gone so far as to write letters to our Solicitor and to the Undertaker – here they are in the satchel – Vet?… It can only mean I reckoned him dead. He’s my son, so I don’t have to adopt – I’m already his dad! Let all who live and breathe within the universe sing praises!’

[1] Fragrance of cheese

Dr Who

characters, actors etc from the tv series

‘I’ve checked out hire cars,’ claimed the lad, ‘from Hertz and Avis – on[1]ly £175 one-way to Dissipation City!'

Although at first Rachel Teresa Nellson was petite, not pert, wee[2]kly dinners and drinking sessions soon beefed her up until she became the real McCoy[3]. The boy enjoyed watching Aussie Rules football with Mary, Theresa, Ann, Sarah-Jane[4] and Karen at the MCG.

Ann[5] tried to be disgrace[6]ful, but gave away her upper crust origins (not royalty, but a member of high rank, the aristocracy B). ‘Er, men[7],’ she would say, when she wanted attention. Indeed, with her accent and behaviour she used the incorrect words for Poker, Pot-roast and Labourer by means of this shibboleth: Bridge, Stew, Art[8]isan. Oh dear. She lacked cunning, but with money, she was mostly skilled at spending (all if rey[9]nard-like). The cash was frittered in casinos, restaurants and a minute-mart. Ha[10]d a lot – now nothing.

Eventually, he was out of cash and didn’t have jack[11]. No wonga, no Albanian currency, either – not one Pound, a Lek, s[12]ome lire or an Austrian schilling; that’s right, he had no Spanish gold coins or even gravel… no ecu-shing[13]le.

He ran a white flag up our jacinthe mast. ‘Er[14]ring, I have run out of money.’ Off went all his new-found friends – goodbye Ann, cheerio Mary, aloha RT Nell[15]son, bye Terry!

Nation[16]al famine struck, and he took a job tending pigs. He had to look closely into the trough to n[17]otice that the pods were crawling with amoeba. Ker[18]bing his appetite, he looked again and counted seven, eight, nine cockroaches: yes, ten. ‘N’ ant[19]s, also. He came to his senses. ‘Aha! My[20] dad’s hired men get good food… all I get is hungry, with feeling and a V. Ros[21]ter me to work for you, Dad – that’s what I’ll ask.’

And he arose[22], and went home.

His dad cried out ‘Look! 9[23] miles away, over that hill – could it be?’ He felt more than a little ela[24]ted, to be honest. He ran to him, with kisses to give. He called for a goldsmith[25] to make a ring, and gave him a coat and some shoes to don.

Na[26]vigating everyone back to the farm, the father insisted on an enjo[27]yable time with a bonfire (‘torch wood[28] and roast the calf’) and a few choice aperi[29]tifs. He spoke to the head of the baker[30]y ‘Please provide sandwiches, plus sponge pudding and custard; is[31] it possible also to have those currant-filled cakes known as Eccles?’

‘To n[32]ot have a son is bad;’ he continued ‘to have one who is lost or dead is worse. But the news is good[33] – this my son is found and is alive! Hallelujah – you, O God, brought him back just in time, Lord[34]!’

[1] Peter Davison played 5th Doctor (81-84) 

[2] Jon Pertwee played 3rd Doctor (70-74) [3] Sylvester McCoy played 7th Doctor (87-89, 93, 96) [4] Sarah-Jane Smith companion to 3rd, 4th & 10th Doctors 

[5] Paul McGann played 8th Doctor (96) [6] Ace companion to 7th Doctor [7] Cybermen adversary of all Doctors except 3rd [8] Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart companion to 3rd Doctor [9] Galifrey The Doctor’s home planet [10] Martha Jones companion to 10th Doctor 

[11] Jack Harkness companion to 9th & 10th Doctor [12] Daleks adversary of all Doctors [13] Peter Cushing played The Doctor in the cinema releases Dr Who & the Daleks (1965) and Daleks - Invasion Earth 2150ad (1966) 

[14] The Master adversary to all Doctors except 1st, 2nd, 8th & 9th [15] William Hartnell played 1st Doctor (63-66) 

[16] Terry Nation Screenwriter (various series 1965-2010) [17] Patrick Troughton played 2nd Doctor (66-69) [18] Tom Baker played 4th Doctor (74-81) [19] David Tennant played 9th Doctor (2005-10) [20] Amy Pond companion to 11th Doctor [21] Davros adversary of 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 9th, 10th Doctors 

[22] Rose Tyler companion to 9th & 10th Doctor 

[23] K9 companion to 4th Doctor [24] Leela companion to 4th Doctor [25] Matt Smith played 11th Doctor (2010-present) 

[26] Donna Noble companion to 10th Doctor [27] Jo Grant companion to 3rd Doctor 28 Torchwood Spin-off show (anagram of Doctor Who) [29] Peri Brown companion to 5th & 6th Doctors [30] Colin Baker played 6th Doctor (84-86) [31] TARDIS (Time And Relative Dimensions In Space) space-time vehicle 

[32] Christopher Eccleston played 9th Doctor (2005) [33] Ood Alien race confronted by 10th Doctor [34] Time Lord status of all Doctors