Butchery News (incorporating Charcuterie Gazette)

That’s where all THE FLAVOUR IS!

Despite the extensive famine in many of the neighbouring countries, Arnold Certain-man (42), a local farmer, threw a village-wide party, writes our correspondent Ian Vestigative Columnist. It is not clear how this was financed.

Plenty of it

He provided lots of alcohol and dancing girls, as might have been anticipated, and the main feature of the event was the food, with vol-au-vents, cheese & pineapple on sticks, sandwiches and scotch eggs, sponge cakes plus a magnificently decadent and delicious chocolate fountain, with marshmallows and pieces of fruit. There was also plenty to drink, as the wine flowed freely.

Beef

But the prime focus of the jollifications were the various steaks – well done, medium, medium rare, rare and blue options of rump, chump, porter-house, , sirloin, T-bone and the flavourful popes-eye.

There was also goose skirt, legs of beef, shoulders, neck, lots of mince and many other fine cuts of meat made available.

Slaughter

Of course, most of the flavour of beef is in the fat, so the calf in question had been fattened up for slaughter over recent months. ‘It seemed the right moment to make the most of the opportunity,’ said a tired, emotional Mr Certainman.

Argument

Mr Certainman  was  rightly celebrating the unexpected return of his son, Prodigio (19), who had been feared dead. However, it seems that the rumours of his demise had been greatly exaggerated, as the boy was merely staying away from home following an argument with his father.

‘We originally thought he was completely lost, but now he’s found! He was dead but now he’s alive!’ said an excited Mr Certainman, afterwards.

Not Repeated

It was a wonderful party and there is no chance of anything similar for many years.

foreign news

We have received reports of a glut of very poor quality pork (sub-standard swill is being blamed) entering the market. Only a starving man might long to eat such a product.

Best actor Oscar winners

Oscars for best acting performances in a leading role 
(male and female) 1931-2010 (selected)

Jack (son the Younger) decided to sHun the idea of staying at the farm, but to take a bit of an Holliday.

‘Dad, you maKe a ton of money, so Donate to me what I am going to inheriT. And you know, I’m off!’ THe stoney-faced boy Rushed away and Marched off past the Mill and beyond the Bridges. Why he chose to leave, they just couldn’t faThom. P.S. One day, he came back! Here’s how:

Soon he was in Dissipation City, with its plush bars and Swanky restaurants. He met seven people – among them Roberts, Andrews, Tracys and Stewarts – plus a girl who dressed like a bimBo, garters and all.

He couldn’t outWit her spooning manner so he said ‘You can be my Pal. Trowels, hoes, rakes – not for me any longer! We should have a good time in the casino: I’ll bribe the commisSar and one other employee!’

But his money ran out, and when famine struck the land, everyone became weight watChers, and alL eight friends fell away. He took a job tending pigs and longed to eat their rotting pods and Berrys witH old, encrusted pock-marks on. The animals were filthy: Pigs needed Washing. Tongues cleaved to roofs of mouths due to hunger.

Eventually, he came to his senses – God and the boy were at last on the same Page in the pigPen. ‘Now, my father’s hired men all have a joB, a testament to his kindness, and knowing my dad’s Brand of employment contract, they are eating well. I shall arise and go home. I shall Neal before him and ask to work for him.’

But while he was still on his Way, nearly to the old Fir thicket beyond the Big Field, his father, who had been keeping watch, saw him. He gave up alL anger and displayed only grace. He ran pell-mell, and arrived at thiS pace, kissed him (just a Peck on the cheek) and gave more than one souvenIr on several levels: he gave him a ring and some shoes, and called the Taylor to make a coat.

He also called in other workers: a Smith, a Cooper and a Fletcher to provide items for a party.

The boy asked ‘How could you see me when I was so far beyond the garDeN? I roamed at a distance. Dad, oh, tHanks for your kindness: especially the sliced roasted Bullock.’

At the party there was dancing: the lambada; The rondo; the tango. Dad asked a servant ‘Where is my sister Liv? Try to find her. Now, give my guests each a gin & tonic with slices of Lemmons, and O, Liv… I, er, thought you’d gone missing, like my Kid! Many times we searched, (like a Hunter) and finally we found him!

‘Now, pints of bitter, brown ale and Guinness for everyone, unless they’d prefer tubes of Fosters or  goblet of Port, mango J2O or something else. And after the pudding of chocolate Fondant, and the main course of chicken kashMir, renown for my son, who Wins! Let joy be unconfined! My son was dead, (and that Hurt) but now he’s a New man! My dear boy, of you I am so Fond! Alleluia!’

Eponymous roles marked * Glenda Jackson Women in Love Gudrun Brangwen 70 and A Touch of Class Vicki Allessio 73 Loretta Young The Farmer's Daughter Katrin Holstrom 47 Helen Hunt As Good As It Gets Carol Connelly 97 Judy Holliday Born Yesterday Emma ‘Billie’ Dawn 50

Diane Keaton Annie Hall* 77 Robert Donat Goodbye, Mr. Chips Charles Chipping 39 Jessica Tandy Driving Miss Daisy Daisy Werthan 89 Charlton Heston Ben-Hur Judah Ben-Hur 59 Geoffrey Rush Shine David Helfgott 96 Frederic March Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde* 31-2 and The Best Years of Our Lives Al Stephenson 46 Ray Milland The Lost Weekend Don Birnam 45 Jeff Bridges Crazy Heart Bad Blake 09 Emma Thompson Howards End Margaret J Schlegel 92

Hilary Swank Million Dollar Baby Maggie Fitzgerald 04 Julia Roberts Erin Brockovich* 00 Julie Andrews Mary Poppins* 64 Spencer Tracy Captains Courageous Manuel Joseph Schildkraut 37 and Boys Town Father Flanagan 38 James Stewart The Philadelphia Story Macaulay Connor 40 Humphrey Bogart The African Queen Charlie Allnut 51

Reese Witherspoon Walk the Line June Carter 05 Gwyneth Paltrow Shakespeare in Love Viola De Lesseps 98 Susan Sarandon Dead Man Walking Sister Helen Prejean 95.

Cher Moonstruck Loretta Castorini 87 Vivien Leigh Gone With the Wind Scarlett O'Hara 39 and A Streetcar Named Desire Blanche DuBois 51 Halle Berry Monster’s Ball Leticia Musgrove 01 William Holden Stalag 17 Sgt JJ Sefton 53 Denzel Washington Training Day Alonzo Harris 01

Geraldine Page The Trip to Bountiful Carrie Watts 85 Sean Penn Mystic River Jimmy Markum 03 Milk Harvey Milk 08 Kathy Bates Misery Annie Wilkes 90 Marlon Brando On The Waterfront Terry Malloy 54 and The Godfather Don Vito Corleone 72 Patricia Neal Hud Alma Brown 63

John Wayne True Grit Marshal Reuben J ‘Rooster’ Cogburn 69 Colin Firth The King's Speech Prince Albert/King George VI 10 Sally Field Norma Rae Norma Rae Webster 79 Places in the Heart Edna Spalding 84 Jessica Lange Blue Sky Carly Marshall 94 Sissy Spacek Coal Miner's Daughter Loretta Lynn 80 Gregory Peck To Kill a Mockingbird Atticus Finch 62 Jeremy Irons Reversal of Fortune Claus von Bulow Elizabeth Taylor Butterfield 8 Gloria Wandrous 60 and Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Martha Sandy Dennis 66

Maggie Smith The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie* 69 Gary Cooper Sergeant York Alvin Cullum 41 and High Noon Marshal Will Kane 52 Louise Fletcher One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest Nurse Ratched 75

Robert De Niro Raging Bull Jake LaMotta 80 Tom Hanks Philadelphia Andrew Beckett 93 and Forrest Gump* 94 Sandra Bullock The Blind Side Leigh Anne Tuohy 09.

Charlize Theron Monster Aileen Wuornos 03 Jack Lemmon Save the Tiger Harry Stoner 73 Lawrence Olivier Hamlet* 48 Nicole Kidman The Hours Virginia Woolf 02 Holly Hunter The Piano Ada McGrath 93

Alec Guinness The Bridge On The River Kwai Col. Nicholson 57 Jodie Foster The Silence of the Lambs Clarice Starling 91 Natalie Portman Black Swan Nina Sayers 10 Henry Fonda On Golden Pond Norman Thayer 81.

Helen Mirren The Queen Queen Elizabeth II 06 Kate Winslet The Reader Hanna Schmitz 08 William Hurt Kiss of the Spider Woman Luis Molina 85 Paul Newman The Color of Money ‘Fast Eddie’ Felson 86 Jane Fonda Klute Bree Daniels 71 and Coming Home  Sally Hyde 78.

Imprecision

or thereabouts, kind of

Someone asked for something and might or might not have got it and gone or stayed somewhere and lost something.

No-one had anything, but this person (or perhaps someone else?) went to look after, or look for, or look around something and wanted to do something with whatever it was, but then had a kind of funny moment of some ill-defined sort or whatever, and changed his mind or thought better of it or had a different idea or got cold feet or turned over a new leaf or something.

He went back to wherever he had come from (unless it was somewhere else this time), and someone said some things and gave or sold or lent or threw away some things and cooked something and ate something with someone or more than one and said something else.

Binary

1 = Yes; 0 = No

11

11111 11 111110 000

10

000

1111 0 1111111

01

0101

Which, being interpreted, means:

‘Yes?’

‘Yes.’

‘Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!’

‘Yes, yes!’

‘Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes… no!’

No, no no.

‘Yes? … No.’

‘No, No, No.’

‘Yes? Yes! Yes! Yes!’

‘No?’

‘Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes.’

(No) Yes!

‘No? Yes! No? Yes!’