US Presidents

all (yes, all) of America’s elected finest

John demanded ‘Grant [1] me my inheritance. HelP, ol’ k[2]insman mine!’ His father replied ‘John, son[3,4], that’s not in the least bit cool. I’d ge[5]nerally say no, but in this case, I’ll let you have it all.’

He wanted an adventure, like those written by Swift, Cervantes or Buchan. An[16]d so he wasted the money on gambling, booze and wildness; placing a bet, rum an[7]d many women; two of the girls are a gan[8]gster’s molls. He spent until all was gone. What did he have left? Nix.

On[9] the next day, money was gone; he was what the cockneys call borasic lint. On[10]tologically, he had been prodigal. Famine struck.

Finding any work was hard. Ing[11]loriously, he took a job tending pigs. He envied the pods they were eating. He longed to fill more[12] of his insides with them. But the light of God’s wisdom shone upon him and pierce[13]d his dark heart. He wrote an explanatory note: I no longer want this job. Am a[14]ppalled at myself. I’m returning home, where even the hired men have enough to eat.

He set off, got a hitch from a chap with a donkey cart er[15]stwhile, and latterly from an ox cart. Aft[16]er that he walked, through the ford[17], past the bush[18], (at the most basic level) and[19] beyond Hangar field[20].

While he was still a long way off, his father (heart hur[21]ting until then) saw him and ran to greet him. ‘I saw someone I love (guess who?) over[22] the bridge!’ he cried. ‘You probably feared I wouldn’t give you jack, son[23]. Here’s an engraved ring – look, it says my lost son (dash) found! The dash here is en – how er[24]roneous! It should be an em dash. We’ll replace your dirty coat with a new one – no way I’ll allow washing to n[25]eed to be done. Give assent, all of you, to my returning son! Banish ‘no’, let’s be generous with ‘ayes’[26]! Kill and roast the calf, and we can also have salmon roe[27], terradactyl (er[28]ror?) washed down with adam’s[29] ale; accompanied by chicken saTay. Lor[30]d bless our dinner! Roast calf this p.m., and leg of kangaroos, eve. L t[31,32]o the A to the T to the ER. Come, play your mandolin, Col. N[33]ugent! Lost your sheet music? I thought we had a MS[34] here earlier..? Fetch my teddy[32again]!’

He wrote the notes for his speech in txt language: sn ws ded, his life ws ova NB u r en[35]jyng dnr ok? ‘Reports of your death drove us mad. I, son[36], almost lost it. Yes, it did disturb us. H[37]owever, you are alive! My brother Vernon was sure you were dead, but now I can declare your Uncle V: élan d[38]enyer. And your brother Wilson[39], understands now. D’ye ken, Ned? Y[40]es!’

(slightly desperate final papagraph): In addition to his sons, the father had two nephews: Harrison[41,42] and Jefferson[43]. These made up his clan, his tribe, his Mc Kin. Le y[44]uppie son had to humble himself.

(Doubted I’d be able to include all of the Presidents, did you? O ye of little faith!)

NB Grover Cleveland (reasonably tough to include once) appears twice, as his two terms were separated by Benjamin Harrison’s term in office.

[mentioned] name  party allegiance  period in office presidential number

1  Ulysses S Grant  Republican  1869-1877  18

2  James K Polk  Democratic  1845-1849  11

3  Lyndon B Johnson  Democratic  1963-1969  36

4  Andrew Johnson  Democratic, later National Union, then independent 
    1865-1869  17

5  Calvin Coolidge  Republican  1923-1929  30

6  James Buchanan  Democratic  1857-1861  15

7  Harry S Truman  Democratic  1945-1953  33

8  Ronald W Reagan  Republican  1981-1989  40

9  Richard M Nixon  Republican  1969-1974  37

10  William J Clinton  Democratic  1993-2001  42

11  Warren G Harding Republican 1921-1923 29

12 Millard Fillmore Whig 1850-1853 13

13 Franklin Pierce Democratic 1853-1857 14

14 Barack H Obama Democratic   2009- 44

15 James E Carter Jr  Democratic 1977-1981 39

16 William H Taft  Republican 1909-1913 27

17 Gerald R Ford Republican 1974-1977 38

18 George H Bush Republican 1989-1993 41

19 Grover Cleveland Democratic 1885-1889 22

20 James A Garfield Republican 1881 20

21 Chester A Arthur Republican 1881-1885 21

22 Herbert C Hoover Republican 1929-1933 31

23 Andrew Jackson Democratic 1829-1837 7

24 Dwight D Eisenhower Republican 1953-1961 34

25 George Washington independent 1789-1797 1

26 Rutherford B Hayes Republican 1877-1881 19

27 James Monroe  Democratic Republican 1817-1825 5

28 John Tyler Whig 1841-1845 10

29 John Q Adams Democratic Republican, later National Republican 1825-1829 6

30 Zachary Taylor Whig 1849-1850 12

31 Franklin D Roosevelt Democratic 1933-1945 32

32 Theodore Roosevelt Republican 1901-1909 26

33 Abraham Lincoln Republican 1861-1865 16

34 John Adams Federalist 1797-1801 2

35 Martin Van Buren  Democratic 1837-1841 8

36 James Madison Democratic Republican 1809-1817 4

37 George W Bush Republican 2001-2009 43

38 Grover Cleveland (2nd term) Democratic 1893-1897 24

39 Woodrow Wilson Democratic 1913-1921 28

40 John F Kennedy Democratic 1961-1963 35

41 Benjamin Harrison  Republican 1889-1893 23

42 William H Harrison Whig 1841 9

43 Thomas Jefferson Democratic Republican 1801-1809 3

44 William McKinley Republican 1897-1901 25

Directions

with anagrams of directions, indicted thus *

‘Hand over my inheritance.’ Father did, and his son left, going down to Dissipation City, where thous*ands went west, right quickly, splashed out on flouting, foulmouthed living, right? Soon it was gone, and famine struck.

The layabout boy took an unorthodox job with low-life pigs, and desired to stuff down their thorn*y food. His mind was brightly enlightened as he realised his father’s hired men ate downright well. He sprang up from his seat*.

‘Right. This is over. I shall arise and go home, and work for dad. I’m no longer worthy to be called a son.’

While he was still along way off, (still en route), his father saw him from his high vantage point and took some northings and ran south to greet him. He hugged him and pu*t a coat over his shoulders (couture from a boutique), shoes on his feet and a ring around his finger. He ordered that the fatted calf be sent down to slaughter, and rotated the cleft carcass of the beast on a spit over a fire.

Awestruck, stout party guests crowded around; they troughed down and feasted on potatoes in their jackets with eggs sunny side up, unctuo*us slow cooked vegetable stew*, southern fried chicken thighs, wings and breasts, croutons, ate* many rounds of beans on unleavened toast (made without the use of yeast), toad in the hole, underdone lamb, and drank vermouth and fruit teas*. Soon there was none left. 

The devout father said ‘This my sallowest son was lying down in the grave, right, but now east-ands up with us again, no doubt. High praise!’

Germanglicisation

ich bin ein Jerusalemer

‘Mein irresponsiblinherritance. Schnell, bitte.’

‘Ja.’

‘Danke schön.’

Helmut fritter commercialbillet until walletkaput.

Gutzecho und visibleribs – Helmut employink mit schwein schloppenpodsintslurreyfoulenmess. Donner und blitzen! Synapsen illumenmomentizalia: riesen meuppen und spricht to Herren ‘Chestenpumpenemotiounworth-inessfeelink – servantmehirenfee, bitte.’

Bisher stillen ausländisch, Papa seht, und is runnink.

Helmut sprichted ‘Herren…’ aber Vater unterbrechen mit gross huggink, kussink, pumpsoles, mantel und blingblink-sparklinkvaluables.

Den kattle ist bratwürst mit saurkraut, frankfurters, pumpernickel brot, pretzels, schnitzel mit noodles, strudel, schartzwald kirschetorte und pilsner, hock und shnapps.

‘Kinder heartbeathaltenshocken; achtung kinder heart-beatstartenspritzen!’

Ough

one combination of letters, multiple pronounciations

The farmer coughed [1] up; his boy took cash and went on furlough [2], leaving the borough [3], riding in a brougham [4]. He behaved not as he ought [5], spending the dough [2] in wild living (he bought [5] drink and food and established thoroughly [3] unwise friendships); soon he was left with nought [5]. A drought [6] brought [5] a famine, and everyone was starving, which was rather rough [7].

The boy took a job feeding pigs and fought [5] off his longing to eat their tough [7] pods direct from the trough [1], even though [2] their skins had been sloughed [7]. Then he had a thought [5] and came to his senses. ‘My father’s workers have enough [7] to eat; I shall return and be one of his hired men, as I am no longer worthy to be called a son.’

He travelled, doughtily [6], ploughed [6] through [4] a slough [6], and sought [5] help as a chough [7] flew by and the wind soughed [7] in the boughs [6]. While he was a long way off, there was a hiccough [8] in his plans. His father saw him beyond the lough [9], and ran off [1] to him. He caught [5] up [8] with him, got hold of him and gave hugs [3], kisses, a new [4] coat (oh [2], without a ruff [7]), a ring (big rock [9]!), shoes (buffed [7] to a shine) and a party, which took [4] place out [6] in the courtyard [5]. He wrought [5] havoc to the fatted calf and said ‘This my son was lost, but is found; he is alive again, although [2] we thought [5] he was dead!’

Rough [7] pronunciation guide:  

[1] off   [2] oh   [3] uh   [4] oo   [5] or  

[6] ow  [7] uff   [8] up   [9] ok (ochh Scottish) 

NB ‘brougham’ is still a form of carriage (and has been since the day of the monsyllbles)