Musical theatre

‘I’m on my Way [1] Tonight [2], Dad,’ said Jud, whose musically sensitive feline companions, known inexplicably as The Ti, sat on his lap.

‘Where will you go?’

‘Oh, Somewhere [3]…it’s a place I’ve dreamed about, and frankly, Any Dream will Do [4].’

‘Well, I’ve sold all of My Favourite Things [5] to raise cash; I’ve given you everything I can afford. If I were a Rich Man [6], I would have more to offer.’

‘I understand. How much is it?’

‘Sixteen, going on seventeen [7] thousand shekels.’

Jud left the farm, determined to forget about the dull life he led on the farm. ‘I’m going to Wash that Man Right out of my Hair [8],’ he decided.

He arrived in Kansas City [9] and started to spend.

‘It’s a Fine Life [10],’ he thought to himself. Soon he met some dancers (There is Nothing Like a Dame [11]) and took them for dinner and a show. Boat [12]ing adventures on the lake followed, and each girl thought ‘Oh, What a Beautiful Morning [13], We’re in the Money [14], I Feel Pretty [15], and he’s ranked our Hair[16]styles: the Essex with the bob in third place, the Oxford with the ponytail second, and The Surrey With the Fringe on Top [17].’

Every day they partied (Hallo, Young Lovers [18]) until Sunrise; Sunset [19] brought more romantic encounters. One woman thought I Don’t Know How to Love Him [20], but soon enough, she got the hang of it.

Eventually the money ran out and a famine struck the land (the sun shone brightly right there, but The Rain? In Spain [21]). The man at the Box Office asked ‘Who Will Buy [22] tickets here anymore? There’s no Business, like. Show? Business [23] is closed, old son. This is the Hour [24] for poverty; I doubt the casino owners will Be Back Soon [25], as they are going to Close Every Door [26].’

Jud took a job on a pig farm, envying the animals as they rootled about among rotting pods, making snorting noises such as snort, snuffle and Hukana Mutata [27].

Eventually, he came to his senses. ‘What’s Going On Here [28]?’ he asked himself. ‘Just You Wait [29] until I eat the pig-pods… but then when I search my Memory [30] I have to consider What I Did for Love [31] of selfishness. Tomorrow [32], boy, you must return to the farm (even if you have to Climb Every Mountain [33]), and tell him you’ll Consider Yourself [34] no longer worthy to be called a son, saying to him God will be with you, boy, You’ll Never Walk Alone [35]. And With a Little Bit o’Luck [36], I’ll get a job on the farm.’

He made his way home: hill, thinking about the way he wasted the money; forest, considering the conversation he would to have with his Old Man; River [37] planning to beg if necessary. He saw bluebells, daffodils and Eidelweiss [38] on the way, and decided to Whistle a Happy Tune [39]. For the last part of the journey, he sat on a single decker bus.

Meanwhile, his father kept watch for him. ‘As Long As He Needs Me [40],’ the father thought, ‘I’ll keep hoping God will Bring Him Home [41].’ Suddenly, while the boy was still a long way off, the father spotted the bus. 

‘Something’s Coming [42]… Look, There’s a Coach Comin’ In [43]! This is really Something! Wonderful [44]’

His father ran to greet Jud with lots of Happy Talk [45].

‘I’d Do Anything [46]…’ the boy started.

‘Can You Feel the Love Tonight [47]?’ his father asked. ‘We’re now standing On the Street Where You Live [48]!’ He gave him a coat and some shoes, plus an eternity ring, representing The Circle of Life [49].

The Farmer and the Cowman [50] had a chat, and the cow was slaughtered and roasted. ‘Yes, let’s eat the coW! Here is Love[51]ly roast beef for everyone; I Have Dreamed [52] that Some Enchanted Evening [53] my son would return! Let there be Food Glorious Food [54], and Shall We Dance [55]?

‘Play, minstrels – let there be The Sound of Music [56] – the Music of the Night [57]! Let there be jugglers, trapeze artists (Defying Gravity [58]) and dancing ponies: Oh, What a Circus [59]! Yes, and Send In the Clowns [60]. Let the Oom Pah Pah [61] band play broken chords until The Ti meW. Arp [62]eggios will make it so!’

‘I thought to myself Poor Jud is Dead [63]; but Hosanna [64]! Oh yes, I’m a Believer [65]. I Got Life [66]! I Know Him So Well [67]! I Could Have Danced All Night [68], as we’re Born to Boogie [69]! That’ll teach One of Us [70] to Always look on the Bright Side of Life [71]. But stay out of doors in full sight otherwise the rest of the village won’t know we’re still celebrating – People Will Say We’re in, Love [72]! Don’t stop me now [73]!

[1] I’m on my Way Paint Your Wagon 1969 [2] Tonight West Side Story 1957

[3] Somewhere West Side Story [4] Any Dream will Do Joseph and his Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat 1973

[5] My Favourite Things The Sound of Music 1959 [6] If I were a Rich Man Fiddler on the Roof 1964

[7] Sixteen, going on seventeen The Sound of Music 1959

[8] I’m going to Wash that Man Right out of my Hair South Pacific 1949

[9] Kansas City Oklahoma! 1943

[10] It’s a Fine Life Oliver! 1960 [11] There is Nothing Like a Dame South Pacific [12] Show Boat Show Boat 1927 [13] Oh, What a Beautiful Morning Oklahoma! [14] We’re in the Money 42nd Street 1980 [14] I Feel Pretty West Side Story [16] Hair Hair 1967 [17] The Surrey With the Fringe on Top Oklahoma!

[18] Hallo, Young Lovers The King & I 1951 [19] Sunrise Sunset Fiddler on the Roof [20] I Don’t Know How to Love Him Jesus Christ Superstar 1971

[21] The Rain In Spain My Fair Lady 1956 [22] Who Will Buy? Oliver! [23] There’s no Business like Show Business Annie Get Your Gun 1946 [24] This is the Hour Miss Saigon 1989 [25] Be Back Soon Oliver! [26] Close Every Door Joseph and his Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat

[27] Hukana Mutata The Lion King 1997

[28] What’s Going On Here? Paint Your Wagon [29] Just You Wait My Fair Lady [30] Memory Cats 1981 [31] What I Did for Love A Chorus Line 1975 [32] Tomorrow Annie 1977 [33] Climb Ev’ry Mountain The Sound of Music [34] Consider Yourself Oliver! [35] You’ll Never Walk Alone Carousel 1945 [36] With a Little Bit o’Luck My Fair Lady

[37] Old Man River Show Boat [38] Eidelweiss The Sound of Music [39] Whistle a Happy Tune The King & I

[40] As Long As He Needs Me Oliver! [41] Bring Him Home Les Miserables 1980

[42] Something’s Coming West Side Story [43] There’s a Coach Comin’ In Paint Your Wagon [44] Something Wonderful The King & I

[45] Happy Talk South Pacific

[46] I’d Do Anything Oliver!

[47] Can You Feel the Love Tonight? The Lion King [48] On the Street Where You Live My Fair Lady [49] The Circle of Life The Lion King

[50] The Farmer and the Cowman Oklahoma [51] Where is Love? Oliver! [52] I Have Dreamed The King & I [53] Some Enchanted Evening South Pacific [54] Food Glorious Food Oliver! [55] Shall We Dance? The King & I

[56] The Sound of Music The Sound of Music [57] Music of the Night Phantom of the Opera 1976 [58] Defying Gravity Wicked 2003 [59] Oh, What a Circus Evita 1978 [60] Send In the Clowns A Little Night Music 1973 [61] Oom Pah Pah Oliver! [62] The Time Warp Rocky Horror Show 1973

[63] Poor Jud is Dead Oklahoma [64] Hosanna Jesus Christ Superstar [65] I’m a Believer Shrek 2008 [66] I Got Life Hair [67] I Know Him So Well Chess 1986 [68] I Could Have Danced All Night My Fair Lady [69] Born to Boogie Billy Elliot 2005 [6] One of Us Mamma Mia 1999 [71] Always Look on the Bright Side of Life Spamalot 2005 [72] People Will Say We’re in Love Oklahoma [73] Don’t Stop Me Now We Will Rock You 2002

street, innit?

For real, hear me now…

Da home boy asked ‘iz batty geeza f’r iz inher’tance, which ‘e let rip an’ spent on wild livin’. For real, like spliffs an fit hoo’s an’ a massive an’ back at ya an’ stuff…

Famine struk, so ‘e look for work – an’ e smell bacon. ‘E longed to eat da mingin pods dey wuz givun. ‘E came to iz senses.

‘Wicked! Ma geeza’s ‘ired bruvers iz well fed. I iz gonna arise an’ go turf an’ wurk dere, coz I iz gangsta, not son, innit?’ Well in ya face.

While ‘e wuz still da long way off, iz batty geeza seun I is an’ ran to greet I is. ‘E gave I is shoes, da tommy hilfinga threds, da big-time bling an tings an’ kill da fatted calf.

‘My son wuz lost an’ iz found; ‘e wuz stiff but iz alive! Shout out, big up an’ ‘nuf respect ter big man in der clouds, innit?’

Dramatic irony (part two of two)

Charlie was planning and rehearsing his speech. ‘I know there will be an awkward reunion,’ he said to himself as he trudged, footsore and weary, and very seriously hungry. ‘And I’ll have one chance to apologise, and then I shall have to take the punishment that I deserve. The villagers will certainly support dad and reject me, probably cutting me off from society. Perhaps I shall have to go and seek employment in another town.

‘But first, I must apologise to dad. I’ll say it again: Please make me one of your hired men; I am no longer worthy to be called your son…’

While Charlie was still a long way off, Gerald saw him. He gave a great cry of joy, and immediately tucked his tunic into his belt, ran down the steps and out of the farmyard, pacing down the road and through the gate at the end of the drive.

Servants and hired men ran after him, astonished at this behaviour, sure that their respected employer was going to call upon them to eject the wayward boy, and help him back to the farmhouse after all this exertion.

Gerald reached the end of the drive and turned right. He continued to run, shouting, his arms spread wide.

Charlie saw his dad running from a distance, and decided the best way to try to show his humility was by bowing with his face in the dust. He fell to his knees, and tipped forwards so that his forehead was in the dust. He heard Gerald and some servants running towards him, but couldn’t tell what his father, panting, was trying to say.

Not only was Gerald gasping for breath on account of his galloping; Charlie was crying and trying to say his speech.

‘I am not worthy. I have been such a fool. All I can ask is that you accept me back to the farm as a hired hand. I will work hard for you without complaining. Please don’t send me away; oh, please don’t send me away…’

Servants arrived, equally breathless, standing in exhausted amazement at the spectacle of his wealthy, honoured-citizen father setting aside all dignity in his exuberant delight. It was… unbecoming, ignoble and utterly unexpected.

By this time, Gerald had caught his breath, and he pulled Charlie to his feet so that he could hug him. He threw his arms around him and hugged him and kissed him and hugged him again.

‘My son, my son, you came home! I love you! Oh, Charlie!’

‘Father, I am no longer worthy to be called your…’

‘Son, I love you! Servants! Fetch shoes for his feet! And a coat for his shoulders! And here, Charlie, here, have my ring. It’s the family ring, and now you’re back in the family. Come on servants, help him back to the home. And run on, you, and kill that fatted calf. We shall have a celebration. Let’s have roast meat, drink, merry-making; and invite all the villagers. I don’t want any of that rejection ceremony nonsense they might think is appropriate – it isn’t! He’s welcome home! Tell them my son was… lost and is now found! No, even better, tell them he was dead, and is now alive! I’m speaking figuratively, of course. Run, now. Hurry! Quickly!’

‘But I thought…’ Charlie started.

‘I doubt it. At least, I don’t believe you have for a long while!’ his father joked, slapping him on the back and helping him as they turned onto the track leading home.

Dramatic irony (part one of two)

in which the reader is better informed of the narrative than the characters

‘I’m surprised you would ask me that, Charlie,’ said Gerald. ‘I’m not even ill, let alone dying! But let me sort out my finances and I’ll see how much I can let you have. I won’t sell this ring – it’s valuable, but it’s meaningful to me, so I want to keep it in the family. But apart from that, I will do what can be done to provide for you.’

His younger son had approached him for the inheritance he was due, one day, to receive. Inheritance is distributed after death, and it is very unusual for a son to request it early. But Gerald was able to gather all of his liquid assets, having sold off a few prized possessions and some of his land, and he gave a huge sum of money to the son.

‘Thanks, dad!’

‘What are you going to do with it?’

‘I am going to go to Dissipation City and have a good time. I’m fed up with being here, working alongside hired men and feeding those skinny calves. I intend to party!’

‘Well, don’t just spend it all…’

‘Of course not. I’m going to invest it in a good time, as I say.’

So Charlie took the cash and set off.

For many months after the sad day when Charlie left, Gerald’s longing to see his son return motivated his daily vigil on the roof of the building, looking out for his boy.

He had also instructed one of the hired men to give plenty of extra fodder to the most healthy of the calves, to provide food for the party when Charlie returned.

‘But he isn’t going to come back, is he, sir?’ the hired man said, knowing the truth that the old man was denying.

‘I can only hope,’ Gerald answered.

Meanwhile, Charlie was quickly surrounded by so-called friends, who helped relieve him of large amounts of the money, with wild living: slap-up dinners, gambling, entertainments, fine clothes and good-time girls.

After not very long it was all gone, and when his friends discovered this, they went the same way. Charlie was penniless, and then a famine struck the land. He had no back-up plan; no money, no options, no food, nowhere to live and no hope. He knew his father would utterly reject him if he went home, so that wasn’t worth trying.

He looked around to find a way to stay alive; eventually, he ended up taking a filthy job looking after pigs. He knew he had reached rock-bottom when he found himself envying the pigs the rotting husks they were given to eat.

Here he was, a Hebrew lad, working with pigs (the most non-kosher of all animals, he thought), and so desperately hungry he’d consider stealing from the pigs those meagre scraps given to them. Since the land was in severe famine, the quality of these pods and husks was extremely low, as anything edible had already been picked out and eaten by the pig owner and his family.

He wept a little, sorry for himself, and then he came to his senses. ‘Here I am thinking about pigs and rotting vegetation, when back at home, my dad’s hired men eat well every day. If this famine has affected them at all they’ll have slaughtered the skinny calves weeks ago and still be feasting on the meat… I think what I must do is to go home and see if I can work for him. I am no longer worthy to be called a son. He’s got every right to reject me; he might not even be willing to see me. I deserve that. But I have to try.’ So he arose and made his way home.

Gerald’s hopes were high, and he spent a long time on the roof that day, looking, hoping, narrowing his eyes to try to scan the horizon for any sign of his beloved son. But as darkness fell, he slowly, sadly descended the steps and went indoors to eat his vegetable stew.

to be concluded

Metafiction

Reflecting Lawrence Sterne’s comic novel The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman, published 1759-1769 and famed for length, addressing the reader, digressions and generous quotations 

Book I Chapter The First

––––– “I will endeavour to explain with all imaginable decency.” Many years before my life began, madam, my father’s grandfather purchased a tiny farmstead and set to work upon it, growing vegetables for his family, tending a small quantity of livestock; trading produce with local businesses, such as the ostler, a candleman, tailors and schoolteachers–––––so that my father’s father (the former-mentioned gentleman’s firstborn) understood his alphabet and could count up to adequately high numbers to gather wealth, buy additional fields from the farm next door and expand the range of crops to include other corns and grains––––which in turn served well his family, consisting (as you may wish to take note) of my aunt Janet, aunt Mary, uncle Daniel, uncle Mike and my father, the last born––––––they lived with considerable ease in a extended farmhouse, and employed a maid, three farmhands and their own ostler–––––which was not quite luxury. I quote freely (madam, you will forgive the digression, I have no doubt) from a historical discourse describing a life like that of my forebears––––––“The arable field system consisted of a combination of open common fields, and closes – parcels of land bounded by ditches, hedges,, walls and fences. The crops were wheat, barley and oats grown in three-course rotation as the arable was each used in turn for winter and spring grains and then fallowed. Some grew beans, peas, vetch, wheat, barley, oats or rye. Sheep flocks were regularly pastured on downland near the manorial court, maintaining a flock of 300-350; also two dozen each of oxen, calves and chicken.” And so it was (as you may be able to imagine) that my grandfather’s wise husbandry favoured his family, and by not some small chance did this result in the benefits being visited upon my father himself––––––even though he was one born out of time, abnormally inheriting the land and the business sustained thereupon. For my aunt Janet would have been granted some small part of favour, having been marriéd at an early age to one of the men who oftentimes visited the farm (ostensibly for the purposes of being a hired man––––––yet later his deeper motive was revealed as he sought permission to at first woo and then be granted leave to take the hand of the aforementioned aunt, who had fine features, a ruddy complexion and a temperament likely to attract men of some adventure and willingness to be tolerant). Janet’s beau––––––who became, of course, my adopted-by-marriage uncle Amos-Edom––––––spake thus to her father. ‘My Lord, vouchsafe my gratitude to you for these forescore days of fair and righteous hire, in which I have laboured most vigorously on account of these fine haystacks and those ploughed tracks of land––––––as far as the old cedar and beyond the ridge over yonder, where runs the cooling brook and grows the lilies––––––some of which I gathered withal to present them to this your daughter Janet, for whom I have true affection and warmth and by whom I am being chastely considered, having asked her–––––meekly kneeling upon one knee, to allow me to address you thusly, with worthy intention––––––to gain her hand. Now sir, I know such an euphemism hides so much more delight than it reveals (continues for Nine Books, each of Sixty Chapters, not reproduced here, for reasons of mercy) [1]

[1] Book I ancestors; Book II immediate family; Book III inheritance; Book IV & V spending; Book VI completes spending; Book VII famine, pig-tending; Book VIII revelation, return journey; Book IX welcome, celebration