Classified columns

1 shekel per column-nanocubit

notices

WEALTHY FARMERS: don’t give away your hard-earned inheritance! Invest in highly dependable Pigs-R-Us Double Underlined Unit Trusts. Chop, Lardon, Rasher & Gammon, Solicitors (Gentile) Ltd, Waster City Road, Jerusalem.

services

PARABLES INTERPRETED while u wait. Pay a visit to J O’Nazareth, on his First & Final Tour of various locations around Judea. All welcome

FREE GIN with our Very Friendly Escorts scheme. All additional drinks at our usual prices. Discreet rooms usually available. Wild, wild living a speciality. Extremely Happy Hour 6.30-8.30pm Thursdays. Apply Madame Florrie for details, prices, hourly rates. Almost all reasonable tastes & personal preferences eagerly embraced by our trained staff.. Prodigals Bar ‘n’ Grill a Go Go, 69 High St, Dissipation City. www.lookersnhookers.co.il

NEW! DAZZLE CASINO; Pontoon, Craps, Slots, Poker, Roulette, Baccarat; plus sport and political spread betting; lots of experienced cashiers, croupiers, plus three bars. Dress code; no trainers. 666 Low Street, Dissipation City.

for sale

FINEST BEEF DRIPPING: just 2 shekels per ephah. At A Certainman’s Farm, Jericho.

personal

BILLY-BOY COME HOME: all is forgiven.

situations vacant

HIRED HAND REQUIRED; apply Certainman’s Farm. Jericho. Board & lodging fully found for the right candidate. No goat parties provided; no more time wasters, please.

HIRED HAND REQUIRED; at Double Underlined Sties, Dissipation City. Full training provided; due to previous unfortunate experiences, no Hebrews, thank you.

corrections & errata

THE PUBLISHER wishes to state that previously-reported rumours of the recent death of Mr Certainman Jnr have been exagerrated. We take complete responsibility and fully apologise for confusion or distress caused. To show our good faith a celebratory party (sponsored by the publisher) is to be held at the Farm. All welcome; PBAB&B.

MISPRINT CORRECTION: late editions of the Night Final yesterday unfortunately carried the name of the farmer as Mr Cretainman. This should have read: Mr Cretinman.