International footballers

international footballers (unless noted otherwise) from clubs in the English Premiership or old First Division. These awful puns are annotated by paragraph, the team(s) where the player gained fame, and retirement year unless still current

The son demanded his inheritance. ‘Please sir, I want some more.’ His father took his money out of one of the banks (although he could have given him a cheque and paid him what was owing).

Father commented about the amount: ‘If you take that much, you’ll not be the work-boy but the rob-son.’

So he put on his greaves and put his best foot forward. He turned up in Dissipation City, not exactly determined to obey the law, where he drank and gambled and behaved with one particular show girl like a stag: Bonne La Whore, whose nickname speaks for itself. She was rather keen. In December, the boy took them on an ocean-going vessel to visit Father Christmas in Lapland – a Santa Cruise.

There is no mystery about the ever-decreasing weight of his money bag, as coins had been leaving it at a rate of knots; now his cash reserve peters out altogether.

Famine strikes the land, and everyone is hungry. The boy’s ‘friends’ desert him. He had no equipment for shaving and thought he looked somewhat beards-ly, so he visited the sheep shearer, but ended up with a job looking after pigs. He longed to eat their food, but came to his senses and decided to return home humbly.

On his journey he crossed a few stiles, went passed mills and over a bridge and then returned via the southgate, under which he had to crouch.

His father (who had wisely put grain stores in his barns) saw him while he was still a long way off and decided to rush to meet him. He celebrated a goal with him and gave him gifts.

He also threw a party with food, including a barbecue burning with his coals, cooking fish that were a bit finny,  with Bowyer’s sausages (also cooked on a hot coal) to a lovely shade of brown served with Naan-y bread. There was a band that had previously played several gigs– their music went sort of tootle-tootle lua-lua… and there was formal dancing – a ball.

His father commented ‘I thought he might have been carted or waggoned or (if his straights were dire and was morte) hearsed. But no, he’s alive, all right!’

Sir Bobby Moore West Ham United 1978 Gordon Banks Leicester/Stoke City 1978 Shay Given Newcastle United/Republic of Ireland Petr Cech Chelsea/Czech RepublicMichael Owen Newcastle United Bryan Robson Manchester United 1996

Jimmy Greaves Tottenham Hotspurs 1979 George Best Manchester United/Northen Ireland 1984 Denis Law Manchester United/Scotland 1974 Gabriel Agbonlahor Aston Villa Roy Keane Manchester United/Republic of Ireland 2006 Roque Santa Cruz Bayern Munich/Blackburn Rovers/Paraguay John Terry Chelsea Paul Gascoigne Newcastle United/Tottenham Hotspurs/Lazio/ Glasgow Rangers 2004

Martin Peters West Ham United 1981

Peter Beardsley Manchester United Newcastle United/Liverpool 1999 Alan Shearer Blackburn Rovers/Newcastle United 2006

Nobby Stiles Manchester United 1975 Danny Mills Norwich City/Leeds United Wayne Bridge Southampton/Chelsea/Manchester City Gareth Southgate Crystal Palace/Aston Villa/Middlesborough 2006 Peter Crouch Liverpool/Portsmouth /Tottenham Hotspurs

John Barnes Watford/Liverpool 2000 Ian Rush Liverpool/Wales 2000

Paul Scholes Manchester United Sir Tom Finney Preston North End 1963 Lee Bowyer Leeds United/Newcastle United/West Ham United Ashley Cole Chelsea Wes Brown Manchester United Luís Carlos Almeida da Cunha Nani Manchester United/PortugalRyan Giggs Manchester United/Wales Kazenga Lua-Lua Newcastle United/Democratic Republic of Congo Alan Ball Blackpool/Everton/Arsenal/ Southampton 1984

Kieron Dyer Newcastle United Luis Boa Morte Fulham/Portugal Sir Geoff Hurst West Ham United 1976 Ian Wright Crystal Palace/Arsenal 2000