Triplip

made-up name: avoiding 'a', 'e' & 'i'

Young boy took pounds. Soon blows loot on scotch, food. Hungry folk throughout country. 

Sow food pods look good. Bong! Knows to go home, looks for job for non-son. 

But out by woods: hugs, boots, hoody, gold stuff, plus hot cow rump. 

‘Lost but now found; thought to bury boy, but not now!’

Medical

Seed of the farmer’s twice-fecund loins, he extracted the cash and began an ill-advised, unsound extended over-indulgence in alcohol and both prescription and recreational pharmaceuticals, with a protein and carbohydrate-rich diet and unprotected procreative interactivity with female Caucasians in the age range 18-25.

An extreme, enforced low-calorie regime was prescribed for the population by circumstance, and the youth took a role caring for animals likely to suffer from scrofulous, ringworm, halitosis and trotter-rot.

He envied their vegetarian ingestion.

He benefited from a sudden, thoroughgoing and serious cranial infarction, and decided to resume residence at home, taking the role of porter. En route, his biological father applied lip-therapy stat [1], some appropriate torso massage, provision of a minor specimen of metal exoskeleton, ensured he was able to regulate his body temperature, included protection for his soles and caused fatal trauma to the oesophagus of the morbidly obese calf. The animal was dissected, and lungs, kidneys, heart and digestive system removed. Its body cavity was then penetrated by a metal rod and the whole carcase subjected to third degree burns over an extended period.

During the celebration, the paternal relative said ‘This cadaver has been resussitated, revivied, reinvigorated!’

[1] abbreviation of Latin statim meaning immediately, used in medical contexts 

Double lipogram

avoiding both the letters ‘a’ and ‘e’

Young boy insists on his portion of pounds, now.

Soon indulging in living of truly wild proportions. Pounds run out, plus food. Pig pods look good.

Bing! Knows to go, inquiring if job going for non-son. But still in woods — gifts of ring, kissing, hugs, clothing, boots, plus cooking of cow.

‘My son? Lost but now found; stiff! But now ontologic’lly living!’ 

JQXYZ

having feared this would be nigh-on impossible, it proved to be among the richest veins. 
But yes, I had to look up some of these words

Junior, querulous, quixotic; zips-onto quest jingle-jangle zig-zag zoom-jogging. Quondam xenophile’s [1] journey’s-end: yon jurisdiction-different. Johnny-come-lately’s jeunesse-dorée [2]: jaunts-into X-rated JiveBar – jocose yahoo zaftig [3] Yvonne’s zealous!

Zero, zero zlotys/quids: zonked… Q.E.D. Just jackass.

Quasi-pigsty zoo-tending – juvenile jealously yearned-for quality-lacking yukky Jerusalem-artichokes quota.

Yardstick judgement: quit. Youngster zillion-yards-distant – jolly-Dad jumps (x x x). Jacket, jockeyshorts, jeans, jersey, jodhpurs; Jade/Quartz.

Jollifications: QM-stores-style jack-rabbit, jalapenos, yorkshire-puddings, yoghurt, yolks, Yorkie-bars, quinoa [4], Jaffas, jelly, quiche, jambalaya, zucchini, quaker-oats, quince jamsponge, queen-of-puddings, zabaglione. Quaffing: quantities!

Jongleurs, jig/jitterbug/jive, jugglers, jug-band quartet: xylophone zither-music-jamsession.

Zeitgeist-quips… ‘Young-in-years, quite yesterday’s JohnDoe? Zzzz? Quaint… yet quickened! Joy! Quintessence-jubilation! Yes! Just joking, joi-de-vivre, Jahweh-be-thanked!’

[1] lover of foreign places

[2] young person who enjoys wealth & privilege

[3] full-figured

[4] (keen-wah) ground seeds rich in protein (similar to couscous)

Precision

The 23 year-old son (who came into this world 2 years, 5 months, 7 days, 4 hours and 31 minutes after the firstborn) demanded 33.333% of his father’s £5,348,204.17p fortune. He got it and put it in his best jeans right front pocket and left at 2.44pm on a Tuesday, with clear skies and only 25% chance of clouds later. He went 86 miles to a town called Dissipation City (grid reference 31° 36' N, +34° 54' E) where he spent £1,294,212.34 on wild living with dancers, gambling (red, blue and black 32mm casino chips), alcohol consumption (spirits, liqueurs and cocktails), expensive hotels (king size beds, black silk sheets, multi-roomed apartments, baths with gold fitments, room service) and rides in twin-axled carriages. In addition, he gave away the rest to 19 ‘friends’ (names and addresses supplied in Appendix I).

On a Thursday afternoon (overcast, with occasional gusts up to 17kph) at 4.51pm, famine struck the land, and the boy got a job at £1.48 per hour, looking after 133 pigs (5 sows, 61 male piglets, 67 female). He longed to eat some of the 12.7 pods that the pigs were each allocated. He came to his senses and decided to return to his father (via the M81, A65 and B3339) in heavy rain, with temperatures as low as 9°C.

‘I shall ask to be one of his hired hands at a rate of pay of £7.31 a day.’ But before the boy reached home (he was still at a distance of exactly 3.38 miles away) his dad gave him four hugs, a size N½ ring (12 carat gold), a Barbour jacket (size S, with five buttons, a sturdy zip and a thick collar), and shoes (brown, with brass buckles, eurosize 43). He arranged for the calf (which was 26 weeks old and had a tasty layer of fat approximately 3cm thick) to be turned into 40 rump steaks, 45 chump chops, legs of brisket, best cuts of silverside and 48lbs 6¾oz of fine ground mince.

209 guests, including wives and children up to the age of 11yrs, 7 months (names and addresses supplied (Appendix II)), were invited to the party. It started at 11am on the Saturday (bright sunshine, gentle breezes) and continued until the last guest went home at 4.27am on the Tuesday morning (clear skies, waning crescent moon). There were 19 bottles of brandy, 12 of vodka and 5 of Irn Bru in the punch, which also contained orangeade and cranberry cordial. The food available was extensive (menus & receipts can be found in Appendices III-XI, and recipies in Appendices XII-XCIII).

Dad said ‘I spent £4017.84 at Solomon & Sons, (Funeral Directors) making various arrangements, and they were only prepared to refund £2986.13 when I told them we had zero dead bodies. But be that as it may, it’s not important.’ 

Lepigrom

made-up name; avoiding the letter ‘u’

The second son asked his father for his share of the inheritance.

He took the money and spent it all in wild and reckless living in a foreign land. Famine arrived with speed and violence against all, and the boy takes a job feeding pigs. He longed to fill his stomach with the pig-pods.

He came to his senses and said to himself ‘I shall arise and go to my father. I’m no longer worthy to be called his son, so I’ll ask him to let me be a hired servant.’ So he began to walk home.

However, while he was still a long way off, his father saw him, ran to him and embraced him. He kissed him, gave him a ring and a coat and lovely, brown shoes with laces and long-lasting tread on the soles and killed the fatted calf so that they might celebrate.

‘This my son was lost, now he’s discovered; he was dead and now he is alive !’

Welsh dialect influence

Geraint went to his father Jones the Sheep and said ‘Come by here, look you; I’m leaving the valley and I want my share.’ He gave a tidy sum to his boyo, who Gwent out of Llanfairfechan faster than you can say blast furnace. Ach y fi [1].

Geraint frittered the cash on beer and babes, isn’t it? He didn’t look after the money very Caerphilly. Famine struck the Vale of Aberystwyth and he had to go and care for porkers, which were eating leeks, daffodils and Llanberis.

He cursed ‘Oh, Blanau Ffestinniog!’

Eventually, his head had a rrrrevival [2], and he decided to go bach to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio-goggoch, preparing a speech that was rather slummocky.

But his father saw him while he was still a long way Offa. Look you, he ran to him and gave him a ring, sandals, a robe and killed the calf, whose stomach was Rhondda than it had been before, isn’t it? He threw a right shindig, with the local Male Voice Choir and everything. Oh, there’s lovely! Father said ‘My son was dead, but now he’s alive again, surely to goodness! Shoulders back, lovely boy.’

[1] traditional Welsh expression of disgust; literally: ‘Don’t lick your fingers until you’ve washed your hands, isn’t it, Blodwin, there’s nasty’ or something similar

[2] traditional rolled r or alveolar trill: voiced oral vibrations of the tongue against the alveolar ridge while the vocal cords are also vibrating