Precision

The 23 year-old son (who came into this world 2 years, 5 months, 7 days, 4 hours and 31 minutes after the firstborn) demanded 33.333% of his father’s £5,348,204.17p fortune. He got it and put it in his best jeans right front pocket and left at 2.44pm on a Tuesday, with clear skies and only 25% chance of clouds later. He went 86 miles to a town called Dissipation City (grid reference 31° 36' N, +34° 54' E) where he spent £1,294,212.34 on wild living with dancers, gambling (red, blue and black 32mm casino chips), alcohol consumption (spirits, liqueurs and cocktails), expensive hotels (king size beds, black silk sheets, multi-roomed apartments, baths with gold fitments, room service) and rides in twin-axled carriages. In addition, he gave away the rest to 19 ‘friends’ (names and addresses supplied in Appendix I).

On a Thursday afternoon (overcast, with occasional gusts up to 17kph) at 4.51pm, famine struck the land, and the boy got a job at £1.48 per hour, looking after 133 pigs (5 sows, 61 male piglets, 67 female). He longed to eat some of the 12.7 pods that the pigs were each allocated. He came to his senses and decided to return to his father (via the M81, A65 and B3339) in heavy rain, with temperatures as low as 9°C.

‘I shall ask to be one of his hired hands at a rate of pay of £7.31 a day.’ But before the boy reached home (he was still at a distance of exactly 3.38 miles away) his dad gave him four hugs, a size N½ ring (12 carat gold), a Barbour jacket (size S, with five buttons, a sturdy zip and a thick collar), and shoes (brown, with brass buckles, eurosize 43). He arranged for the calf (which was 26 weeks old and had a tasty layer of fat approximately 3cm thick) to be turned into 40 rump steaks, 45 chump chops, legs of brisket, best cuts of silverside and 48lbs 6¾oz of fine ground mince.

209 guests, including wives and children up to the age of 11yrs, 7 months (names and addresses supplied (Appendix II)), were invited to the party. It started at 11am on the Saturday (bright sunshine, gentle breezes) and continued until the last guest went home at 4.27am on the Tuesday morning (clear skies, waning crescent moon). There were 19 bottles of brandy, 12 of vodka and 5 of Irn Bru in the punch, which also contained orangeade and cranberry cordial. The food available was extensive (menus & receipts can be found in Appendices III-XI, and recipies in Appendices XII-XCIII).

Dad said ‘I spent £4017.84 at Solomon & Sons, (Funeral Directors) making various arrangements, and they were only prepared to refund £2986.13 when I told them we had zero dead bodies. But be that as it may, it’s not important.’