30-minute lostness

trendy chef Jamie Oliver shares his thoughts

Right guys, I wanna show you a bit about biscuits and baking and this delicious, buttery, soft, crumbling, exciting, tasty, zingy, pukka fortune cookie; so I wanna try to help you to get your head around whatever you wanna have as a cookie, and you can change it, you can tweak it, you can fiddle with it, you can vary it, and then you can get your laughing gear round it, so let’s just start with a basic mix…

00:01 I’m using Dad’s Cash as the main part of it, and just mixing it like this. You can use any money you like, really – inheritance, legacy, lottery winnings, bag of swag from a bank robbery – whatever.

08.34 Always use your fingers when it comes to money, and that way you’ll feel rich and unctuous and generous and kind and wealthy. And eventually, look, it’s all melted away and there’s nothing left, which is exactly what happens when you treat it like this (sucks finger) ooh, yes.

12:55 Now, while that’s all gone, let’s just look in the fridge and the oven and on my window ledge and you’ll find that’s all gone too and it’s just about friends and going away and no longer restaurant food. See what I mean?

14:27 Yeah, right, the next thing I want to get your tastebuds zinging about is a blend of herbs and spices and sort of pods and these lovely little bits of mould and this green liquid – nice colour happening here – I’m confident it’ll get you all (smack lips); give it a proper old jiggle about. If you ain’t never eaten this before, take it from me; you’re going to absolutely love it! Have a go! Take your side of pork and whack it on the board like this, and then season it with envy – just rub it into the skin and get the flavours going in there (grunt of exertion). Yeah, get them right in there!

17:03 Herbs are so rock and roll. Use bashed up mint, or a handful of basil, a big wodge of dill, whatever you like, whatever takes your fancy. Something peppery…  What about some half-rotted pods? Give ‘em a go, sweetheart!

16:47 But then you might want to stop and come to your senses and decide ‘Nah, what I really fancy is so good old fashioned roast beef with attitude, on at full whack, lovely with horseradish or some piping hot, fluffy, crispy roast potatoes, and – look at that! – lashings of thick, steaming, unctuous, beautiful, shiny gravy (a proper geezer’s gravy) and some veg on the side, like broccoli or carrots – baby carrots – and cauli or maybe parsnips or even just something simple like fresh peas or mange tous.’ Whatever takes your fancy.

21.19 Slam it in the oven from a long way off, and after a while, come running and let it rest before you give a good coating of the roasting juices. You don’t want to over-cook it or it’ll be like shoeleather, but serve it piled up high – use one of these rings to help you build a decent stack. Keep it exciting, keep it light, keep it tangy and zingy and pizzazz.

28.01 And when you get home, you know you’re no longer worthy to be a pukka son, so you get a job. Invite your friends to come to the table and celebrate! Yeah, the cow is dead, but treated like this it’s come alive! So good!

29.59 Done. Brilliant!