Muddles

to be… or not to be Luke 15, unless I’m very much mistaken

Dialogue from Hamlet, Prince of Denmark [1] The boy said to his father ‘To be or not to be; that is the question.’ So his father gave him the cash, and the boy went to Dissipation City. He lived wildly, spending with abandon – eating, drinking, gambling – and on a range of entertainments and so-called friends. Soon the cash ran out, and at the same time a famine struck the land.

The boy took a job in a sty and found himself longing to eat the pods the pigs were given. He came to his senses. ‘Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them?’

So he went home. But while he was still a long way off, his father ran to greet him, with kisses and gifts of shoes, a coat and a ring. The fatted calf is slaughtered. ‘To die, to sleep; no more! and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd.’

Synopsis from Hamlet, Prince of Denmark Hamlet sees his father’s ghost. ‘Give me my inheritance.’ So Hamlet agrees to avenge his father’s murder, but feigns insanity with his girlfriend Ophelia, who is then instructed to trick the prince as Claudius and Polonius listen in.

Hamlet tries to determine Claudius’ guilt by means of a play, and longs to kill him. He is summoned by Gurtrude, but stabs Polonius through the arras and then sees the ghost again. He appears to have lost his senses. ‘My father’s hired men eat well every day. I shall arise and go to my father and say Make me one of your hired men – I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

So he was sent away. Yet with murder in mind, he returns home. Ophelia drowns, and her brother Laertes seeks revenge on Hamlet. Servants are told to bring swords and poisons purchased from a mountebank.

Hamlet and Laertes fight in Ophelia’s grave. Then they duel with swords, during which Gurtrude, Claudius, Laertes and Hamlet all die.

‘For this my son was dead, but is alive; he was lost and is found.’

Coin/Sheep/Son The father lost ninty-nine of his coins, since his calf was no longer worthy to be called a shoe or a coat. He took them to Dissipation City and spent all except one on wild living. When famine struck, he ran a lamp and sensed his joy but there were no sweeps to be found, even in the open country of heaven.

He took a job tending friends and neighbours’ pigs, and wantonly longed to put one on his shoulders and go home. He came to his senses. ‘Do not my men’s hired father have plenty of brooms? I will arise and rejoice that I have illumined the house.’

While he was still a long way off, his sheep searched carefully and ran with friends and neighbours to rejoice. He gave one righteous person a pair of calves, angel-shoes, a ring, a coin for wild living and killed ninety-nine fatted sandals.

‘Friends and shepherds, rejoice with me and the angels over this sinner who has repented of being lost and dead but is found and alive and coined and lamped and shouldering.’

[1] a characteristic of Oulipo constraints was to crow-bar this speech into various forms