UK No 1 hit singles of the 1990s

‘Please don’t go,’ said the father, who suffered from asthma. ‘But if I let you go with my money - bring it all back. There will be tears on my pillow, because I will always love you. I believe love can build a bridge, but I’ll be missing you, and it’ll be killing me softly to be without you. It will be a sacrifice. I realise this will spice up your life, and you might even be asking yourself Should I stay or should I go? but then you’re young at heart and everybody’s free. Don’t. Stop!… Goodbye!’

       

The boy left with the cash, and ended up partying with some men in black (well, black or white) and a girl in an itsy bitsy teeny weenie yellow polka dot bikini. ‘She’s the one! She can lift me up until I’m flying without wings!’ he cried. Love is all around on Saturday night, and he wanted to keep on movin’, baby (one more time), and to dance with the most beautiful girl in the world, until he was dizzy.

     

They started to play no limit poker, and he hoped ‘My heart will go on, but I’d like to be dealt hearts or diamonds: come on you reds, just a little bit more!’ Eventually, the joker was never ever going to be enough. The boy had been promised breakfast at Tiffany’s but it was not to be. Come one morning, the food ran out.

     

The famine was a killer. Too much? No, when the going gets tough, the tough get going, and this was the perfect moment. Would I lie to you? It was 3am. Eternal revelation came to him and he saw that things can only get better if he returned.

       

Feeling deeply dippy, he started back home. Before he got to the end of the road where his father and mama lived, the old man ran up to him. ‘I want you back!’ he cried, ‘ready or not!’

       

The son started ‘I wannabe your servant…’ but the father gave him a ring and a coat and some shoes. What was his message? It’s in his kiss.

       

The asthmatic old man was getting breathless, and had to turn to his compressed enriched air supply (50% oxygen: i.e. in the bottle).

       

‘I’d do anything for love, (but I won’t do that). You are the one and only, and now you’re back for good. I thought I’d be living on my own, but now there ain’t nobody knockin’ on Heaven’s door anymore. We can dance: Mambo No 5 and Livin’ La Vida Loca until the end of the millennium! Pray erstwhile working arrangements can resume!

     

‘Oh, what a perfect day! Viva forever!’

Please don’t go KWS 1992 • If I let you Go Westlife 99 • Bring it all Back S Club 7 99 • Tears on my Pillow Kylie Minogue 90 • I will Always Love You Whitney Houston 92 • I Believe Robson & Jerome 95 • Love can build a Bridge Cher, Chrissie Hynde and Neneh Cherry with Eric Clapton 95 • I’ll be Missing you Puff Daddy & Faith Evans 97 • Killing me Softly Fugees 96 twice • Without You Mariah Carey 94 • Sacrifice Elton John 90 • Spice Up your Life Spice Girls 97 • Should I stay or should I go? Clash 91 • Young at Heart Bluebells 93 • Everybody’s Free Baz Luhmann 99 • Don’t Stop (Wiggle Wiggle) Outhere Brothers 95 Goodbye Spice Girls 98

       

Men in Black Will Smith 97 • Black or White Michael Jackson 91 Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini Bombalurina 90 • She’s the One Robbie Williams 99 • Lift me up Geri Halliwell 99 • Flying without Wings Westlife 99 • Love is all around Wet Wet Wet 94 • Saturday Night Whigfield 94 • Keep on Movin’ Five 99 • Baby one more time Britney Spears 99 • Most Beautiful Girl in the World Prince 94 • Dizzy Vic Reeves and the Wonder Stuff 91 •

       

No Limit 2 Unlimited 93 • My Heart will Go On Celine Dion 98 • Come on you reds! Manchester United Football Squad 94 • A little bit more 911 99 • The Joker Steve Miller Band 90 • Never Ever All Saints 99 • Breakfast at Tiffany’s Deep Blue Something 96 • 2 Become 1 Spice Girls 96

       

Killer Adamski 90 • Too Much Spice Girls 97• When the Going gets Tough Boyzone 99 • Perfect Moment Martine McCutcheon 99 • Would I lie to you? Charles and Eddie 92 • 3am Eternal KLF featuring Children of the Revolution 91 • Things can only get Better D:Ream 94

       

Deeply Dippy Right Said Fred 92 • The End of the Road Boys II Men 92 • Mama Spice Girls 97 • I Want You Back Melanie B featuring Missy Elliott 98 • Ready or Not Fugees 96 • Wannabe Spice Girls 96

       

Shoop Shoop Song (It’s In His Kiss) Cher 91 • Genie in the Bottle Christina Aquilera 99

       

I’d do Anything for Love, (But I Won’t do That) • Meat Loaf 93 • The One and Only Chesney Hawkes 91 • Back for Good Take That 95 • Living on my Own Freddie Mercury 93 • Ain’t Nobody LL Cool J 97 • Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door Dunblane 96 • Mambo No 5 Lou Bega 99 • Livin’ La Vida Loca Ricky Martin 99 The Millenium Prayer Cliff Richard 99

       

Perfect Day Various 98 • Viva Forever Spice Girls 98

UK No 1 hit singles of the 1980s

‘Imagine if I was loaded with brass in pocket,’ thought the boy. ‘I should be so lucky!’ But his father said ‘I owe you nothing, but I shall give you everything I own. You win again! Don’t leave me this way… oh, and wake me up before you go go.’

‘Papa don’t preach!’

       

Father watched him go, saying ‘Nothing’s gonna change my love for you. You’ll be always on my mind. True. I’m never gonna give you up. That’s the power of love. Don’t you want me?’

       

The father’s wealth was (after the final count) down to ner ner ner ner nineteen out of 30, as he gave him one third.

       

Off went the lad to a town called malice, to a house of fun, where there was mistletoe and wine; perfect, red, red wine and where the phrase ‘It’s a Sin’ caused a chain reaction with a woman, a jealous guy and desire. ‘What’ll I do with the cash?’ he thought; ‘use it up and wear it out!’

       

The place came under pressure as the food ran out, and the boy wondered ‘Is there something I should know?’ Hallo, I should have known better than to end up wanting pigfood. Like a prayer, he thought ‘I shall go home - it’ll be just like starting over’.

       

The Spirit in the Sky took him to the Edge of Heaven. There must be an angel at work.

       

He was on his way home, (when the going gets tough, the tough get going) thinking about his father ‘I’ll be working my way back to you by the power of love. I’ll ask to be a servant - since he might say “don’t stand so close to me!” but I suppose I there won’t be a little peace. I really am the Coward of the county. I know him so well!’

       

‘Take my breath away!’ cried the father, who saw the boy when he was still a long way off.

       

‘I knew you were waiting for me’ said the boy, untruthfully.

       

‘Move closer. Here’s a ring, especially for you, Frankie. Here’s a coat and some shoes (you’ll never walk alone) since I have a good heart and I’ve been saving. All my love for you - you got it! - only you! Let’s party! My son was dead, but now he’s back to life!’ And there was dancing in the street.

Imagine John Lennon 1981 • If I was Midge Ure 85 • Brass in Pocket The Pretenders 80 • I should be so lucky! Kylie Minogue 88 • I owe you nothing Bros 88 • Everything I Own Boy George 87 • You win again Bee Gees 87 • Don’t leave me this way The Communards 86 • Wake me up before you go go Wham! 84

       

Papa don’t preach Madonna 86

       

Nothing’s gonna change my love for you Glenn Madeiros 88 • Always on my mind Pet Shop Boys 87 • True Spandau Ballet 83 • Never gonna give you up Rick Astley 87 • The power of love Jennifer Rush 85 • Don’t you want me? Human League 81

       

The final count down Europe 86 • 19 Paul Hardcastle 85

       

A town called malice The Jam 82 • House of fun Madness 82 • Mistletoe and wine Cliff Richard 88 • Perfect S Express 88 • Red, red wine UB40 83 • It’s a Sin Pet Shop Boys 87 • Chain reaction Diana Ross 86 • Woman John Lennon 81 • Jealous guy Roxy Music 81 • Desire U2 82 • Use it up and wear it out Odyssey 80

       

Under pressure Queen & David Bowie 81 • Is there something I should know Duran Duran 83 • Hallo Lionel Richie 84 • I should have known better Jim Diamond 84 • Like a prayer Madonna 89 • Starting Over John Lennon 80

       

Spirit in the Sky Dr & the Medics 86 • Edge of Heaven Wham! 86 • There must be an angel Eurythmics 85

       

When the going gets tough, the tough get going Billy Ocean 86 • Working my way back to you Detroit Spinners 80 • The power of love Frankie Goes to Hollywood 84 • You win again Bee Gees 87 • Don’t stand so close to me The Police 80 • A little peace Nicole 82 • Coward of the county Kenny Rogers 80 • I know him so well Elaine Paige & Barbara Dickson 85

       

Take my breath away Berlin 86

       

I knew you were waiting for me Aretha Franklin & George Michael 87

       

Move Closer Phyllis Nelson 85 • Especially for you Kylie Minogue & Jason Donovan 89 • Frankie Sister Sledge 85 • You’ll never walk alone Crowd 85 • A good heart Feargal Sharkey 85 • Saving all my love for you Whitney Houston 85 • You got it! The Right Stuff 89 • Only you The Flying Pickets 83 • Let’s party! Jive Bunny & the Mixmasters 89 • Back to life Soul II Soul featuring Caron Wheeler 89 • Dancing in the street David Bowie & Mick Jagger 85

Political correctness

perhaps we should complain more appropriately ‘this is political correctness gone psychopathological’

Secondary-inheriting son promotes opportunity for generosity from institution-bound relative. Finds independence, and redistributes wealth among barmen, dancers, bouncers and chancers.

Latterly, when financially under-resourced, govern-mental national planning shortfall combined with unforeseeable arable development deficiencies (meteoro-logically-induced, perhaps) cause widespread rampant and nutritionally-imbalanced weight loss.

Takes up human resource post with crackling potential, wishes for alternative ownership of non-meat option.

       

Internal cranial illumination resulted in consideration. ‘Self-effacingly re-entering my previous domicile may bring about improvement of all my prospects in the realm of health and safety,’ he thought. I shall attempt to raise myself to my feet, using carefully rehearsed techniques of leverage, guaranteed not to occasion strain to my back or to involve unhelpful twisting or jerking elements; cf the government-issued leaflet 106SSTBO Minimising Risk when Standing Up.

       

Using only renewable-fuel transport facilities, he travels; yet he is interrupted by overt and unexpected paternal expressions of familiarity, including gross intrusions of personal space, along with finger-friendly endowment, surprise jacketisation and unnotified shodding.

       

Non-vegetarian meal provided. ‘Being gender non-specific, this offspring potentially lacked vitality, but now is mordancy-challenged.’

Litotes

negatively stated for effect

He was not the firstborn, and he didn’t fail to ask for a not insubstantial amount. The city to which he went was not close, and the speed with which he dissipated the money failed to lack considerableness.

       

Friends were few; tummy rumblings were not without volume. Not less than 100% of the population was somewhat more than simply peckish, and the boy didn’t wish merely occasionally for the pig food. It was not a self-induced revelation, and he chose to not remain after no lengthy delay.

       

He asked not for sonship, but father failed to give him time to speak. He failed to restrain his generosity and showered him with gifts that were not insignificant: a non-ending ring, a non-waterproof coat, shoes without buckles and a not unwelcome party, including a not-living beast that could have never be inaccurately described as failing to be less than fully developed.

       

‘My son was nowhere to be found, but now his whereabouts are disclosed; he lacked a pulse – now I know he is far from dead!’