Operatic libretto

(Overture)

Act One

Scene One: A Farm

(Enter Paterno & Prodigio)

(Recitative)

Prodigio        Oh Father, Oh Father, thee I emplore

                       Gist, yea, gist, oh gist to me the cash!

Paterno         (aside) Oh no, not the cash.

Prodigio        Oh yes, oh yes, the cash.

Paterno         Oh no, not the cash!

Prodigio        Yea, the cash!

Paterno         I relent, dear boy, here’s the cash.

Prodigio        What, the cash?

Paterno         Yes, here’s the ca-a-a-a-a-a—a-a-a-a-a-a-ash!      (gives him the moneybag)

Prodigio        What, all the cash?

Paterno         All the cash that’s yours! (exits)

Prodigio        All this cash is mine! I’m off! (exits)

Scene Two : A Taverna

(Enter Prodigio & Prostituo, with chorus)

Prodigio        I’m spending as fast…

Prostituo      …as fast as you can!

Prodigio        I’m spending as fast…

Prostituo      …as fast as you can!

Chorus           Spend, spend, spend, spend (tinkle, tinkle)

                        Spend, spend, spend, spend (rustle, rustle)

                        Spend, spend, spend, spend (jingle, jangle)

                        Spend, spend, spend, spend (ker-ching)

Prodigio        Oh yes, I’m spending as fast…

Prostituo      …as fast as you can! (They embrace)

Prodigio        But now it is gone. (They spring apart)

Chorus           Gone, gone, gone, gone

                        Spent, spent, spent, spent,

                        Emp-ty pock-ets, right out of cash!

Prostituo       And so, I shall depart me,

                        I shall depart me hence as fast as I can. (exits)

Prodigio        (aria) I thirst, and hunger,

                        And all the world, all the world with me,

                        I thirst and hunger, thirst and hunger,

                        Thirst, I thirst, yea I thi-i-i-i-irst

                        And hunger, thirst and – oh – hunger,

                        I thirst and hunger, yea, I thirst

                        And thirst and hunger and hunger

                        And hunger and thirst;

                        Yea I thirst and hunger and

                        None of the people of the world are here, yet

                        All of the people of the world

                        Thirst and hunger also, yea,

                        They thirst and hunger also. (repeat)

(Intermezzo)

Act Two

Scene One:   Another Farm

(Enter Prodigio, Porcia & Porcio, two pigs)

Pigs                We eat!

Prodigio        I hunger! Where shall I find food ?

Pigs                 We eat!

Prodigio        I hunger greatly! (rumbling, off)

Pigs                 We eat!

Prodigio        I hunger; I get me hence;

                       this scene doth stick like an barbéd gimlet 

                       in mine craw (exits)

Scene Two:   A Farm (as before)

(Enter Paterno & Prodigio)

(Duet)

Paterno        My son!

Prodigio       My employer?

Paterno        My son!

Prodigio       I emplore thee, my employer?

Paterno        My son!

Prodigio       My father! (they embrace)

Paterno       Here’s a ring, a ring, a ring-a-ding,

                      a ring-a-ding-a-ding a-dingio!

                      Here’s a coat for your fine, broad shoulders

                      And shoes for your wandering feet and

                      Around you my arms I fling, a-fling, a-flingio!

Prodigio      But my father, I am no longer wor…

Paterno       Oh, my son, you live, return, and bring me joy,                     

                     Such joy! Such lightness of heart

                     And abandon of glee.

(Enter many Villagers, with pipes and dancing trousers)

Prodigio      (reprise) I hunger!

Paterno       I slaughter the calf in your honour;

                     You were dead but now you live!

                     Yea, I was in a spin withal

                     But now the calf spins substitutional.

                     We lost you when this farming life you quit

                     Now the fat calf spins roastingly upon a spit.

Prodigio      I was lost, lost, so lost!

Paterno       You are found, discovered, unearthed!

Prodigio      I was dead to you!

Paterno       Yet now you live ! You li-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ve !

                     You are alive ! You live, live, live, live, live!

                     But the calf

                     O most decidedly, most deliciously, does not!

Prodigio      I live!

(finis)

Mathematical

                                               3 – 1      =      2

        (>20 magnums + 12kg meat

               + 19kg carbs + 10kg fish

    + 5kg tomato sauce + 25ltr ale

     x 9 weeks x 35 friends) - reck      =      0

                                           GDP [1]      =      < 0

       1 + (6 x 4 trotters) + 4kg veg      =      want

                       2g microbes

                    3.5 lumens x thought      =      8261⁷ lumens

                               pair of sandals      =      0 sandals

                                      70miles

                                                  dad      =      hug + 5 kisses (5x)

   (Au x 4g) + (2 x sandal) + coat       =     son

                                    fat calf               =     roast beef

                      (spit x 3pi) x 20,000

                                                  beef³     =     stew

                                      celebration      =     1 + 2 + > 150

                                              speech      =      joyful

                                  lost/dead son      =      found/alive son

                                                  QED      =      Quad Erat

                                                                         Demonstrandum [2]

[1] Gross Domestic Product, a measure of the health of the national economy

[2] Latin for that which was to be proved; reckoned by cheeky schoolboys to stand for Quite Easily Done

Vowel movements

each vowel replaced with another; consider Officer Crabtree from ‘Allo ‘Allo

Tha sun iskod far has unhorutence, und teak at ta Dusso-potean Coty. Thiru ha spunt at ill in wiman, gumblong, fani donung ind wald leveng.

Anci ot wis ull gine, e fimuna strack. Thu buy faend wirk tandong pegs, und lungid ta aet tha faid thi pogs eta. Hu comi ta hes sansis. ‘My fothir’s hurad man out will; A shull iresa und gi ti my futhar ind soy E im nu langir warthy ta bi cullid year sun; miku ma is eni uf yaor lubearors.’

Sa hi ritornad. Bat whuli ha wos stoll i leng wiy eff, hes fithar sow ham, und run ti grait hem. Ha govi hum i hag ind u kuss, e ceit, u pour if sindels end u rang.

Tha futhar urdorid thet thi futtid celf ba sleaghtirad, ind throw i perty, unvotung has noaghbears. ‘My sin wis lust, bet new ho as faond ; hi wus died, bit nuw hi’s oleve !’

Lipogrem

made-up name; avoiding the letter ‘a’

Second son received money from his begetter; goes to foreign country.

He spent everything on wild living with girls, drink, etc. Hunger struck the region; he ended up feeding pods to pigs.

He longed to fill himself with their food. He received Godly thoughts with blinding lights, thinking thusly: I will get up, return home, request lodging, hire, etc; plus I’ll try to become one of the serving-people. I’m no longer worthy to be known by the title ‘one of the sons’.

So he fulfilled this intent, but while he yet journeyed, the old fellow spotted him, from the roof of the house. Clothes, one golden ring, some shoes plus kisses provided with love.

The non-slim young bovine provided rotisserie dinner for revellers. ‘I thought my son no longer lived; but he is well! Glory be!’

Report from an alien visitor

I encountered several interesting species while I was visiting.

First there was what is termed a family, and while these units usually live in the same den or hutch, this one was breaking apart, as one of the young was being given the means to grow into adulthood alone. He departed and yet demonstrated that he was lacking even basic budgeting skills, as soon his means of support was wasted on imbibing an apparently dangerous and addictive substance called alcohol and on various intimate but non-procreative activities (which seems devoid of purpose and frought with psychological and biological jeopardies). This young family member then found himself in a time of want, as the entire region fell into deep need.

Then I came across some pink quadropeds (even-toed ungulates, as I understand the term), which were staying alive by means of rotting vegetation, provided by person or persons unknown. The young family member seemed keen to eat along with the quadropeds, but then took a very different direction. He seemed to be speaking to himself, or was practising something which gave him cause to be nervous and jumpy. ‘Father, I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

He returned to the nest, but before he arrived, the elder of the family perambuated at a pace. At first, I wondered if the adult was going to send the young one away again, but no, he pressed his mouth-edges against the young one’s face, and gave him protection for his feet and shoulders, and tagged him with a band of metal. I think this may be some means of punishment; perhaps connected to an obedience training device secreted within the lair. I have not been able to invstigate this further.

One other species started to prove interesting, but it was suddenly despatched and spit-roasted, so while I could not observe it in its natural habitat ‘on the hoof’ as it were, I was able to taste slices of this so-called ‘cooked’ beast, with gravy and something called yorkshire pudding, which gave me both nourishment and pleasure. I was also at that juncture able to sample the aforementioned alcohol, and found it to be quite acceptable, until it gave me involuntary spasms (synchronous diaphragmatic fluttering) known as hiccoughs.

The elder of the family group said something along the lines of ‘My son was dead but now is lost.’ I may not have quoted the parental figure accurately as the alcohol possibly affected my judgement, on account of its intoxicating properties.

  I also encountered a natural and apparently not uncommon repercussion of ingesting this fluid, as when awoke from my regeneration cycle, all cranial activity was beset with pain and uncharacteristic sluggishness of inspiration, and all noises caused further inconvenience. This effect wore off when I introduced a different form of this liquid, termed, I think, Fur of the Canine, or something like that. This ingestion also brought gratification to my facial input sensor tubing.

Nannoo, Nannoo.

Lipogram

the traditional form, as showcased in Georges Perec’s novel A Void; avoiding the letter ‘e’

Young son says to dad ‘Work out what loot you would pass on, and put it in my hands!’

Financially flush, boy runs off to a far away land. Wild living follows, and soon all funds prodigally lost.

An harsh national lack of food attacks, so boy finds job giving slops to pigs. Son longs to fill his stomach with pig-pods, and has a blinding flash of inspiration. ‘I shall go to my dad and say: I’ll work on your farm as a labouring man, not a son.’

But on his way back, his dad spots him from a long way off, and runs to him, kissing him, hugging him, giving him a ring, a coat, and sandals.

A calf is slain in his honour and put on a spit; and a party is thrown. Dad says ‘My son was shuffling off this mortal coil, but now this boy is living! I’m praising God!’

W

Wicked, worrying Wally wondered when William would waft wedges waywardly. When wallet was weighted, Wally went west, wantonly.

Wild, wild women; wine wagons were wasted. When wealth was worn-out, Wally wondered where we wander. Wistfully, wanted waste, when wow! William was wished-for.

When walking, Wally was witnessed, welcomed, waltzed with waistcoat, wore wealthy ‘washer’.

William wondered: ‘Why, Wally was wasting-away, when whoosh! Wonderfully working well!’

Aussie

Bruce gavis Bruce a wedger wonga.

Rapt, Bruce goes walkabout with a few toobs of Fosters an’ a crowd of Sheilas an’ loses the lot. Oh yea, he stuffs it up, proper.

Nah-one was throwingany thingon any barbie, and Bruce check taht the porkchop tuckerbucket. It was rhiype futher dunny!

Chane jdiz mine dan’ wennome.

Tryterer pologise, buttiz Bruce gave himmer ring, coat, shoes anna party, with a thickst ache innas ors – roo ‘n’ a roux.

‘Bonzer! I’m stoked! Mison wozzer stiff, but nowee’s ripper!’

Malapropisms

errors of word selection [1]

The bouy asked for his stare and went of with the impertinance. He parted in a land far away, and began two suspend his cosh.

Soon, it was gene, and he was pestilence.

Formaline struck the land and the boy was Hungary. He fed prigs and lunged to eat their foot.

He came to his sentances, and decided to repairent and go home. ‘I shell ask my further to hallow me to be his service.'

While he was stilt a long way off, his father sawed him and rang to hymn. He killed him, gave him a sling, a boat, loos and kissed the flattened carp.

He threw a parity, and said ‘This my song was lust; now he is ground! He was dad; knew he is leaving!’

[1] after Mrs Malaprop, a character from RB Sheridan’s classic comedy of manners The Rivals (1775)

Spoonerisms

Srodical Pun casks for ash Dom frad. Makes the toney and runs. Ends it spall in Cissipation Dity, and pinds up wenniless, fans sriends and stin a ate.

Stramine fikes.

Goy jets a bob pooking after ligs, and fongs to lill his pomache with what the igs are peating ­– sods. He somes to his censes and hays to simself ‘I will garise and o to my father sand hay to im I save hinned against you; I am no wonger corthy to be salled your lon; make me as one of your mired hen.’

Whut bile he was ill as stong way loff, fis hather saw him and gran to reet him. He gave him a ping for his singer, a foat and a rare of candles. He filled the katted half cand pew a thrarty.

‘Sis thy mon was dost and is ound; he was lead and is halive. Fallelujah!’