Prodigal Pooh

affectionate lampoonery of AA Milne’s stories & poetry

One morning Pooh spoke to Christopher Robin. ‘Father,’ he said, said he, ‘I am a bear of Very Little Brass. May I have my inheritance, now, if you please?’ Christopher Robin hummed to himself as he counted out the money.

Soon Winnie-the-Pooh was off, out of the courtyard, past the freshly laid bed of delphiniums (blue) and geraniums (red). He disappeared from view as he went into the Hundred Acre Wood. He was headed for Disenchantment City, where he spent wildly, as if seeing if he Kanga mble with such abandon that he’d roo the day. He went down with Alice and lavished unthinking generosity on all of Rabbit’s friends and relations.

The day came along (as days do) when all his money was gone. His wallet was as empty as a honey pot just after Time for a Little Something. The more he looked into his purse, the more the money wasn’t there.

‘Bother!’ he said. And everyone in the land was Out of Funds as well, and it was as if they were all In Training for slipping elegantly in and out of Rabbit’s house.

King John put up a notice:[1]

Lost or stolen or strayed:

Pooh Bear – a. k. a. Prodigal –

Seems to have been mislaid.

Last seen: wandering vaguely,

Quite of his own accord. 

He tried to get down 

To the end of the town: 

Fifty shillings reward.

Winnie-the-Pooh took a job looking after Piglet, and longed to eat the food he had. There wasn’t any butter for the royal slice of bread or any slice of anything.

Then he came to his fluff. At home, he realized, even Eeyore has enough to eat. He decided to Arise and Go to Christopher Robin and say ‘Father, I say, say I, I am No Longer Worthy to be called your bear.’ He set off.

Meanwhile, Christopher Robin was humming to himself.

Halfway up the stairs is a stair where I sit

There isn’t any other stair quite like it.

It’s not on the rooftop, it’s not unlike a chair,

But this is the stair where I always stare.

He would sit on the stair, and stare, and Stare, and hope one day his dearest bear would come out of the Hundred Acre Wood, along the little track and past the bed of chrysanthemums (yellow and white).

And One Day, he saw him! Christopher Robin ran to greet him. He kissed him and squeezed him until his growler was quite worn out with growling. He put a button in his ear [2], and some socks on his paws, and a coat to go around his furry body.

‘It is much more fun to talk with someone who uses short, easy words like What about lunch? So, kill the fatted Heffalump – you can use that Battleaxe with Great Big Knobs On – we shall Have a Party!’ cried Christopher Robin. ‘Anyway, invite Tigger and Wol and Ernest Shepard and everyone else! We can have a little smackerel. Although marmalade is nicer, if it’s very thickly spread…

‘For this my bear was Trespassers W, but now he’s found. He had a little bit of fluff in his ear, but Now He’s Alive!’

[1] From Disobedience in When we were very young (1924, Methuen)

[2] Teddy-recognised makers’ mark for Steiff GmbH