The Farmer’s Weekly Sun said to his dad ‘Hallo. Can we have a Chat? I need to take some Time Out. First, you’ve been a faithful Guardian and I know you’re Loaded, so give me a share of your Empire, Sport, so I can Travel More.’
‘OK, it’s Yours,’ said the father. ‘It’s probably for the Best,’ and gave him his inheritance, free, Grazia and for nothing. The boy was very pleased. ‘Bella,’ he declared.
The boy took the money, left the House Beautiful and went to Vanity Fair, in a foreign country, travelling on the Express.
It was Easy Living, full of Zest.
There he lived in a Penthouse, met up with bad Company who pretended to be The People’s Friend, (although in reality they were more like an NME) but That’s Life.
So the boy was a Rolling Stone and lived like a Dandy, with some Glamour girls, which was rather Cosmopolitan, and he wasn’t much of an Economist. The News of the World into which he’d drifted was that they would all have to be Weight Watchers. Viz there would be no Sugar, no Nuts, there would be tough Times and to get any dinner he’d have to join a Q. It wasn’t what he’d left home four. Four two long he waited for something New to come along.
The boy went to work in a Zoo and got Closer to some pigs than he wanted, which wasn’t a good Match.
Eventually, Kerrang!, he came to his senses, looked in the Mirror.
God began to Reveal to him that his behaviour had been Total Carp and that he should return to his House & Garden. He decided to face the Heat, go back to his Ideal Home and ask to be a servant or an Amateur Gardener. But a long Time before he got there – in fact, while he was still a long way off - The Oldie, who had been a Spectator, saw him coming from his vantage point on the rooftop and ran eagerly to meet him.
He threw a serious Beano, complete with live music and dancing and Good Food including veal, because he wasn’t particularly PC. Plus, he gave him some other things to wear – a special ring, a pair of shoes, and he became a Mac User – what you might call Top Gear.
The father was completely delighted, and announced to the crowd ‘There’s absolutely no need for this welcome home party to be Private. Eye want everyone to know that you were dead... but now, in complete contrast, you’re alive! Celebrate everyone!
'Yes, indeed, rejoice, tout Le Monde! He’s welcome back. What a Star!’
His older brother, Figaro, saw Red for a Week, but the other Men Only celebrated his return to the Family Circle.
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