Pseudo-Shakespeare

 Dramatis Personae:

                  Old Man       a farmer of considerable wealth

                   Reckless       his son; of reckless wantonness

      Mistress Rapido       a bartender of disputable morals

            Three Cooks       wizened crones of dubious cleanliness

Scene One: Without the Farm

Enter Old Man and Reckless, with trumpets and ledgers

Old Man:  Five score groats hath now o’er filled this agéd

                          casket marked wi’ my monogram

                   And silver-fleckéd years of joyous thoughts.

                   My name writ firm in crops and creatures

                          both far and yon and thus and such.

Reckless:  Fie on’t! Gist mine share, thou pock-faced loon!

Old Man:  ‘Tis pity; ‘tis; ‘tis true; ah me.

                   (aside) The cankered, thumb-biting, chiding chops           

                            of one’s loin-spring was ever so;

                    Yet thusly will I convert all sounds of woe

                    To hey nonny nonny.

                    (to Reckless) My son, neither a borrower nor…

Reckless:    (aside) Yea, angels and ministers of grace

                    Spare me from this pigeon-liver’d

                             rambling witless buffoonery!

Old Man:   Fare thee well, splenative lad o’mine!

                    Thou seemest not smiling on my kidney;

                             yet heart’s sweet sorrow.

Reckless:    I go. (exit)

Scene Two: Boar’s head tavern, with cups

Enter Reckless and Mistress Rapido

Reckless:    Another goblet of thy most excellent mead

                    With all haste, prithee! Mine tongue swelleth 

                             most comfortlessly beyond double

                    And in a trice rasps thrice sandpaperingly

                    Upon my lips and palate;

                    Forsooth this thirst must of force be quenched and       

                             quelled and soothed and smoothed.

Rapido:       I wouldst thine fair request obey right soon

                    But thy drawstrung velvet dubloon bag hath

                    Dwindled most grossly. It afears me that 

                              thy mettle is most assuredly run dry

                    And spent paperwork doth thy name offend.

                    Up-hard thou art. My nose I thumb;

                    This much denies thine slake-request.

Reckless:    Such as this low-life hag would refuse e’en me?

Rapido:       Get thee hence!

Reckless:    I shall seek justice and mercy in yon house 

                              of less iniquity (exits)

Rapido:       Ha! May fortune smile upon thy request

                              where e’re thou maketh it,

                    For demand and table-rap alone lack strength   

                              when backed not up by jangling token.

                    Now is a winter of discontent and growling guts 

                              about to break upon these shores

                    All will grossly starve perchance lest they 

                              find themselves, right quick, hoggish chores.

Scene Three: A street, with pigs

Enter Reckless

Reckless:   Oh woe is me, for all mine adversaries hath

                    Gathered about and grimace withal,

                    Struck me thrice upon mine heart and soul,

                    And tainted me with pangs and pains.

                    Thou grunting, snorting chops!

                    How now, thou sow?

                    Forswear unto me thine podlike picnic…

                    Yet still I am an man,

                    Can’st mind’s eye bear to depict

                    Mine teeth o’erflowed with distasteful swill?

                    Marry, here’s the rub; rude hiréd strangers

                    Take sparkling cup and happily baked meats

                    In thoughtless supper tomorrow and tomorrow

                    Where parental provision plates their portion;

                    Enow! To bow’s the how, I know,

                    Wherein I’ll catch the conscience of my father;

                    I’ll to his hallowed portals withinward go

                    To serve him there with doff and scrape

                    And forelock’s tug, and yessir and amen –

                    Perchance to gain a meagre coinly recompense

                    As hired man of no familiarity nor name.

                    Here’s rosemary, pansies and wither’d violets

                    For thoughts, remembr’nce and

                    Destroy’d faithfuness: his son no more,

                    But yet within his walls and heart? (exits)

Scene Four: A road, with trees

Enter Reckless

Reckless:   Fourscore mile have I trod to return to home.

                   (aside, as Old Man enters) How now,

                    Here cometh thus my paternal parent;

                    I’ll plead mine unfretting case 

                            with smile and curtsey at his feet.

                    Watch how his fierce countenance

                            shalt mellow towards me!

                    (he doffs to Old Man) O maketh thou me 

                             an servant, for thy sake, I beg,

                    Since my worthiness hath thawed, melted and       

                             resolved itself into an dew…

Old Man:   (with tears) My son, should not I call thee

                    Pribbling folly-fallen canker-blossom

                    Or any such retribution? Nay…

                    And neither shall I e’re speak thusly 

                              of loin’s sweet issue,

                    But grasp thee to my hollow chest –

                    Tush thy mouth and hold thy whisht!

                    For I shall give thee this precious charm 

                             of purest gold for thy finger

                    And this tailor’d vestment

                             and these shoes t’enswift thine tread.

                    I shall slay choice meat – yea –

                             e’en upon the hoof

                    And revel until dawn’s first tender kiss 

                             upon the cloudless mantle of the sky.

                    For strong breath and spirit hath returned;

                    So much better than reportingly!

Scene Five: An Party

Enter Three Cooks, with cauldron

Cooks:         Now we three have met once more

                     To stew an celebrate-meal for

                     The farmer who hast lost and found

                     His son! Now let us stir around.

                     Leg of bat and partridge-throat

                     Eye of rat and spleen of goat –

Cook One:   Nay, sisters, this our feasting pot

                     Right toothsome is – for potions not!

Cooks:         Grain of wheat, both husk and chaff

                     Cream of chicken, flank of calf

                     Neck of lamb and rabbit spine

                     With flagon-fill’d of malmsey wine!

Enter Old Man, Reckless

Old Man     Ho! Everyone that thirsteth!

                     Gather ye hither, yon villagers, mine;

                     Rejoice greatly, one and all!

                     Ye minstrels, play tootlingly upon pipes!

                     We fain would have a ball.

                     My son held fast by death’s appalling glance

                     Now lives! Come, let us make a merry dance!

                     Strike up, pipers!

(They revel with trumpets, caper and much celebration)